The Ship Is Quiet
by BernardJenkins
Summary: Mass Effect 1-3 set on the Normandy during what must have been an eon of travel time. Not strictly to the rare moments of script on board.
1. Meeting

**Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING! NOT A THING! I also may have got some details horribly wrong. Please do not eat me. **

**1. Meeting**

The ship is quiet.

It is silent but for the soft thrumming of the fusion core. The lights are low for the artificial night and the night shift crew are lounging, languid, bored.

This ship is quiet.

Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko stares at the ceiling with half-lidded brown eyes, his expression one of pained resignation. There is a soft hiss as Dr Chakwas injects his prescription pain medication and he settles in to wait, wincing as the Dr murmurs an apology, her normally soft and soothing voice like needles.

The ship is quiet.

Night turns to day.

Kaidan's eyes blink slowly open then squeeze firmly shut against the too-harsh lights in the med bay. He groans and pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration at the lack of improvement in the crippling migraine, one of the worst he's had on record.

"You ok?"

It's not the Doctor, which is strange as he doesn't remember anyone else in the ward last night, but then, he muses, in the state he was in that's probably not surprising. He turns his head gingerly and opens one eye as little as he can possibly manage and all he can think of is the colour green.

"That's one hell of a hangover soldier."

The voice is dripping with wry amusement and he can't help but smile a little.

"I..." He clears his throat against the gravel, closes his eyes and tries again, "Migraine."

"Oh." There's an odd sort of rustling noise that sounds strangely lop-sided before the lights dim perceptibly. "How's that?"

Kaidan sighs happily and tries to open his eyes once more, staring up at the grey of the ceiling, adjusting to the blessedly soft light now filling the med bay.

The voice chuckles quietly, "I thought so."

The odd lop-sided shuffling begins again as the doors to the room hiss open. Doctor Chakwas' steps are like knives, punching their way through his head.

"Commander Shepard!" She exclaims in a shrill, exasperated voice, "Get back into bed this instant. I did not just spend and entire night and a good chunk of Alliance Military funding fixing your leg only for you to break it all over again."

There is a moment of silence before Kaidan voices his only thought. "Ow."

"Damn it, I'm sorry Lieutenant." Chakwas runs a tired hand over her face, moving to prepare more of his pain medication.

"It's fine Doc." He mutters, "Didn't need that head anyway. I have a spare in the cargo bay."

The Commander laughs openly and blessedly quietly and he can practically feel the Doctor's quelling stare before she presses the injector to the base of his neck.

"Shepard, I meant it. Back to bed. Now."

There's a small, resigned sigh near Kaidan's head just as he begins to fade.

The ship is quiet.

When Kaidan wakes once more his head feels lighter, clearer. He smiles and his eyes flicker open gingerly to the darkness of the Med Bay. His shoulders and back feel slightly numb from lying for two days on the slightly too hard cot bed and as he stretches, he winces at the cracking and popping of his stiff joints.

He props himself up on his elbows and takes a quick look around the room, his eyes settling on a small glow coming from the bed on the far side of the bay. The commander is propped up on about three pillows, all of which he's pretty sure she's gotten up to get herself despite orders to the contrary, and is perusing the contents of a small datapad.

"Good morning Lieutenant."

"Ma'am." He replies, his conservative nature quickly jumping in to take hold.

She turns her head towards him and once more he's assaulted by the colour green. This time he can see why. He's seen photos of the Commander before but she is nothing like them in person. On camera she seems larger than life, the hero of Elysium, the decorated Marine and poster child of the Alliance. The woman in front of him now however, seems smaller. Oh she's tough alright but there's something almost vulnerable in the way she sits curled around the datapad, black hair hanging over her face nearly hiding the keenly intelligent, shockingly, vividly green eyes.

"Lieutenant, I am currently off duty with my leg covered in medigel and Meditech. Ditch the Ma'am thing; call me Shepard."

"Only if you call me Kaidan." He can't help but smile.

"Deal."

"So, you're an L2 huh?"

Kaidan blinks, "Sorry?"

She waves the datapad haphazardly, "I've been doing a bit of research."

"Oh, yeah that's right. One of the lucky ones." He rubs the back of his neck in an unconscious gesture. "You're an L3 right?"

She grins and taps the side of her head knowingly. "Yep, one of the first." She frowns, "doesn't talk to the amp properly sometimes though and I can't get nearly as much field strength as you can but it seems to work ok most of the time. You're new here yes?"

Kaidan blinks at the verbal flurry of information she fires at him, his brain still not firing on all cylinders, and barely registers the question at the end of it. "Ah, yeah. Transferred from Mars last week."

The door to the Med Bay hisses open and the lights flicker on. Kaidan closes his eyes for a moment before blinking furiously to adjust.

"Lieutenant, good to see you're on the other side." Dr Chakwas places a cool hand on his forehead in an amusingly old-fashioned manner.

Kaidan catches a snort of suppressed laughter and green eyes flashing with mirth at the Doctor's fussing. He once again feels himself grinning back.

"How are you feeling?" The Doctor asks, "That was an unusually bad one yes?"

"Not the most fun I've had in a Medical Bay ever Doctor." He notes wryly, wincing at the injector at his neck.

"Well that should deal with the last of it. But you're to stay off your feet for one more day. The patrol's quiet enough that the Captain has said he can do without you for a bit longer. You're on call though."

Kaidan nods. "R and R. Got it. Thanks Doc."

"Anytime. Now go away."

Highly amused at being dismissed like a child, he pushes himself up off the bed and onto slightly shaky feet.

"Commander." He nods to Shepard and though she narrows her eyes at his lapse into formality, she doesn't comment.

"See you 'round _Lieutenant_."

As he turns to leave he catches a snippet of conversation between the Doctor and her remaining patient.

"Ari, don't tease the new kid." The Doctor's voice is fondly amused.

"Would I do that?"

There's a slight pause before, "Arianna Jane Shepard. Where the hell did you get those pillows?"

The doors hiss shut and Kaidan, not bothering to keep the broad grin off his slightly haggard features, begins his slow shuffle down the hall to his bunk.


	2. Ice cream and Edith

**So this is definitely poetic license. Although I like the two of them together in game, it did always seem slightly weird. I thought it would be nice for them to have something to share. **

**Formatting note: all dialogue in **_italics_** is in French. I know how to say what my name is, ask for directions to the train station and say hello. I did not want to even begin to butcher the beautiful language.**

**Also I may be playing into the Canadian stereotype a little. If that's true, I sincerely apologise :) **

**Once again - I own nothing!... seriously, I'm super poor right now. **

**2. Ice-cream and Edith**

The ship is quiet.

Heavy military boots clank onto the gangway and Kaidan sighs in relief at the wave of frigid air that washes over him. He closes his eyes and pauses, letting the humidity and uncomfortable warmth of the Normandy's crew decks leech out of his bones, replaced by the familiar coolness he's used to. Generations of Canadian genetics have engineered him to respond sluggishly to the tropical climate the life-support engines maintains and he's found himself spending more and more time below decks scanning datapads or volunteering for inventory duty.

He moves over to the lockers against the far wall and keys in his combination, setting down his maintenance kit on the weapon table. He's only cleaned out his gear the night before but he has found himself at a loose end and without a convenient excuse to escape to his favourite nook of the ship. He figures it won't hurt if the rest of his marines decide he is a bit anal retentive about cleanliness.

Humming tunelessly to himself, he begins to unscrew the barrel of his favourite pistol and is about to set it down on the table when there's an almighty crashing noise from the other side of the cargo bay. Blue flame licks up his arm in shock and the barrel goes flying out of his hand, skittering under a table as the sounds of what must have be hundreds of boxes falling to the metallic floor, echoes around the huge, open space.

Bending down to pick it up, another sound meets his keen ears and his eyes widen in alarm. A string of undeniably impressive curses wafts through the dying echoes, the creativity of which could only belong to one person.

"Shepard?"

The cursing stops and the Commander, from her self-inflicted prison underneath what has to be the ship's entire frozen food supply, can't help but smile a little. Over the 6 months or so that Kaidan has been serving on the Normandy, he's learned to loosen up a little. He still switches back to formality whenever there's even the remotest chance another crew member is in earshot, but she figures it's progress nonetheless.

"Kaidan?" Her voice is strained a little and tinged by what he can only imagine is embarrassment.

"You ok?" The commander shuts her eyes and groans silently as his voice echoes off the walls, dripping heavily with amusement.

"Ah… not especially."

"Need some help?"

A small pause. "Yes please."

Fairly certain she's not injured, his boots clunking heavily against the metal floor, he picks his way carefully towards the disembodied voice, a slow grin spreading across his face.

"Marco?" His grin widens as he hears her laugh.

"Polo."

He rounds the corner and the grin, if at all possible, widens further. The Commander is trapped under a pile of freezer boxes, sprawled awkwardly across the floor.

"I think I can move if you can get to that one." She points to the box that's pinning her across her chest, the corner perilously close to her face.

Kaidan picks his way carefully over to her and lifts the box, almost effortlessly, she notes to herself.

"And ah…. Maybe the one that's got my arm?"

Kaidan can't keep it in anymore and she mock glares at him as he breaks into peals of laughter, his naturally gravelly voice echoing around the cargo bay.

"_Oh shut up_." she mutters under her breath, switching to her native Mindoiraise almost unconsciously.

Kaidan gets himself under some semblance of control, offers her a hand and hauls her up so she's sitting, her legs stretched before her under yet more boxes.

"_With all due respect, make me_."

Kaidan's grin is almost goofily smug as he's assaulted by her shocked, green stare.

"_What did you just say?_" Her voice is hushed, dripping with some emotion he can't quite place.

"_You heard me_," Realising with a start that he's flirting openly he awkwardly adds, "_Ma'am._"

There's a heavy silence as the commander opens and closes her mouth like a fish, her brain furiously processing this new and completely unexpected piece of information. Kaidan sets the last box to one side and sits down with his back to the boxes, his legs bent in front of him, his arms resting on his knees.

"_My Mum's one of the last Quebecoise who speaks French._" He explains softly, "_She made sure I learnt._"

"Oh."

"_I'm a little rusty though,_" he muses, "_haven't had anyone to practice with since I left Earth._"

"Oh."

There is silence once more. He studies her face, a little concerned at her lack of response, and can almost hear the cogs in her head whirring at the faster-than-light speed that was her norm. Her expression is odd, almost like she's fighting against something she's kept hidden for years. It strikes him that she probably hasn't come across anyone who speaks her native language in too long. Mindoir was the last Francophonic colony in the galaxy and after its destruction… well French is presumed dead and buried.

"_Your accent is weird._"

"_My accent? I'm Quebecois!_" He's mock incredulous as he brings up the ages old argument, "_Your accent is weird._"

She smiles and settles into the freezer boxes behind her, mimicking Kaidan's posture. She seems to remember something suddenly and switches back to Alliance English.

"Oh wait a second." She rifles through the open box next to her and produces two tubs of ice-cream with a satisfied "Ah hah!"

Kaidan laughs incredulously as she produces two spoons from her top pocket and inspects the lids with pursed lips.

"So… Chocolate chip or Caramel Swirl?"

"Chocolate. No question." Kaidan catches the small tub in his biotic field unconsciously and it hovers almost nonchalantly near his head.

Shepard hands him a spoon, her face thoughtful. "_You do that without thinking you know_."

"Hm?" Kaidan picks the tub out of the air and peels off the lid.

"_Your biotics, it's like you don't even have to concentrate._"

Kaidan shrugs, a little confused. "_I don't._" He dips the spoon into the ice-cream and takes a bite, making a small exclamation in English, "Oh my God that's amazing. Thanks Shepard."

"_No problem. I found a case on the Citadel last time we were there. Figured I'd come across someone to share it with me._" Her voice is quiet, like she's processing information. "_I knew you were powerful Kaidan but I didn't realize the L2s were so efficient._"

He shrugs again, "Eh, put me next to an Asari and I feel like a kid poking at a bear with a stick."

Shepard laughs, her green eyes crinkling and they settle into a comfortable silence, chipping away at their clandestine dessert.

"_So was that you singing the other day?_" Kaidan asks around a mouthful of spoon.

"_What?_" Shepard looks almost guilty.

"_Edith Pilaf. I thought I heard it the other day._"

"_Oh. Yeah that was me._"

Kaidan smiles to himself and scrapes idly at the bottom of the carton. "_You'll have to sing for us one games night._"

The Commander snorts into her still half-full tub she's been savouring. "_Hah! You'll have to be extra nice to me_."

He smiles at her with an unreadable but thoughtful expression. "Deal."

_"**Commander, do you have a minute?**" _The comm crackles through the cargo bay.

"Go ahead Captain."

_"**Report to the Bridge ASAP.**" _

Shepard sighs and Kaidan has to fight to keep from openly displaying his disappointment. He wipes his hands on his trousers absently before standing and offering a hand to her, hauling her lightly off the floor.

"_Thanks for the ice-cream_."

"_Anytime._"

She watches him out of the corner of his eye as he lightly steps over the boxes, extends a hand to one side and the discarded barrel of his pistol flys into it like it's a magnet. He does it as though it's as natural as breathing and she wonders if she'll ever get to a point where she's as comfortable with her biotics as that. He lifts the hand in farewell and turns back to the weapon table. The elevator doors hiss shut in front of her.

The ship is quiet.


	3. Downtime

**Now this chapter is just a bit of silly fun I thought of. I'd like to think it shows the way I see the Commander's relationship with her crew. Not sure if I'm communicating it properly but think POTUS in The West Wing and you might begin to sort of maybe see where I'm coming from :p **

**Once again, I OWN NOTHING! And dialogue encased in** _Italics_** is in French. **

**3. Downtime **

The ship is quiet.

The SSV Normandy is en route to Virmire and the crew is indulging in some much-needed downtime. The starboard viewing deck is filled to the brim with as many service men and women as it can take, all talking, drinking and laughing. From her perch on the back of one of the lounge chairs, Shepard smiles as the sounds of her team enjoying themselves in a rare moment of rest washes over her. A group in the corner is playing poker, shouts of triumph and incredulity occasionally erupting from the table. Dr Chakwas and Engineer Adams are behind the bar bickering good-naturedly about the correct way to serve Serrice Ice-Brandy. Liara and Garrus are talking quietly near the window, staring out over the starry night all around them. Even Joker is talking to a group near the door, propped up on his crutches, arms waving excitedly. It's good to see him away from the cockpit, Shepard is starting to think he's fusing to the seat.

The familiar laugh of the man she's starting to think of as one of her best friends, draws her attention from her observations and she smiles as his gravelly voice rises above the hum of conversation, turning back to the small group gathered on the chairs next to her.

"No way. Me singing is not something anyone of you ever wants to hear." He pauses dramatically and Ash laughs, "Ev-er." He elongates the syllables with an air of finality.

"Hey I heard you the other day LT," Ash protests, "not bad at all."

"Hah! That wasn't me that was Pressly. Regular Pavaroti."

"Regular who?"

The commander snorts into her drink in amusement as Kaidan sighs, "Never mind."

He notices Shepards shoulders shaking silently and grins, a sudden thought popping into his head. "The Commander on the other hand…" He leaves the sentence hanging suggestively and Ash takes the bait almost like they've planned the entire thing. Which, Shepard notes in resignation, is entirely possible. Her crew is evil.

"Seriously?"

"J'accuse!" Shepard exclaims, pointing a slender finger at the grinning Lieutenant, her green eyes dancing, "Hell no."

"She's lying right?" Ash looks to Kaidan for confirmation.

"Hell yes. I heard her myself."

"Crap." Shepard mutters into her drink.

Arianna sighs and wonders where all of the shy, retiring Chiefs are hiding as Ash stands up, waving her arms for attention. "Would anyone here like the Commander to sing for us?"

There's a small pause and Shepard buries her face in her free hand, ignoring Kaidan's laughter at her expense, before the room explodes in cheers and woops.

"Hell no." She declares again emphatically which results in more cheering, which then inevitably decends into a slow, steady chanting of her name.

"_I'll kill you later._" She says, glaring at the Lieutenant who is grinning like the Cheshire cat.

He shrugs, "_Totally worth it._"

"Alright, alright, will you all shut up already?" The commander waves her hands for silence. "Are you all sure you want me to sing?"

There's a chorus of "Yes!" and "Get on with it!" and Shepard can't help but feel lucky she has this crew with her. This group of hardened marines and Alliance officers who treat her like she's family, not some scary overlord. She smiles.

"Fine then. Remember you asked for it."

And then she sings.

Kaidan holds his breath through the first verse, along with the rest of the room. Her voice is rich and pure and like velvet, cutting into the room like a knife then smoothing the creases behind it. She is singing "La Vie En Rose" he realizes with a smile, her voice holding none of the vibrato of the original but soaring clear and with unbelievable emotional depth over the gathered throng. She has the audience twisted around her little finger almost immediately and Kaidan can't help but wonder why she chose to be here, right now, and not in a concert hall on Earth somewhere.

The song finishes seemingly as soon as it's begun and there's a pause before the crew begins to cheer, Kaidan laughs along with them, slightly smug at their stunned expressions.

"Thankyou." Shepard tells them, a satisfied smile playing around the corners of her mouth. "Now go away."

A ripple of laughter flits across the lounge and conversation gradually restarts. Liara and Garrus join the small group just as Ash jumps excitedly off of the couch, her eyes wide.

"Where the hell did that come from?" She demands, incredulous.

The Commander shrugs, taking a sip of the clear liquid in her glass. "My mother was a singer. On Mindoir."

"Ahhhh," Liara says as she makes a connection in her head, "so _that_ was French. I've never heard it before."

"Not many people have." Kaidan notes, a hint of sadness in his voice.

"There's only a handful of us Francophones left." Arianna adds, her tone unconsciously mimicking his.

"Well Commander, you are truly full of surprises." Garrus says with what Shepard assumes is a smile although it's hard to tell.

"Wait," Ash says with a thoughtful expression her finger pointing at nothing in particular, "she just said 'us'." She swings around so she's pointing at Kaidan. "You said something earlier, didn't you… I just thought it was gibberish because of the noise but…"

"_Hah! Revenge_." Shepard tells him delightedly.

He sighs, "_Call it even?_"

"Ah hah! Busted!" Ash punches the air triumphantly. "Say something!" She demands, and Shepard wonders just how much she's had to drink that night with an amused smile.

"But I just did!" He protests.

"_She's not going to let it go until you do what she wants you know._"

Kaidan frowns, thoughtfully, "_You have a point. She was already a little tipsy when I got here. Geez, she's an obnoxious drunk."_

Liara smiles, her head cocked to one side, listening. "So that's where your accent comes from Shepard. I've studied Earth culture a little bit but could never figure it out."

"Accent?" The Commander's face crinkles in confusion. "What accent?"

Kaidan smiles, "You can only hear it if you know it's there. You clip your 'th's' sometimes and forget plurals if you're excited about something and..." He trails off as he realises the four of their faces are a mixture of amusement and confusion, "What?"

Ignoring the blushing Lieutenant, Liara lays a hand on the commander's arm, "Your language is beautiful."

Kaidan glances at Shepard's face and can see she's feeling uncomfortably emotional as memories seem to flick across her face unbidden. He mock-scoffs at her, "Sure, it would be if she were doing it right."

He grins as her face stills and her green eyes flash dangerously. "Me? What the hell is with _your_ accent? You completely butcher your r's and I have absolutely no idea what you've done with some of your irregular verb conjugations. It's like I'm talking to a caveman." She's waving her arms expressively and he swears her accent has almost doubled.

"Hey! Quebec has kept French pure thankyou very much. It hasn't changed in thousands of years."

"Which is why it's wrong! You're still talking in thee's and thou's."

The two of them switch to French completely unconsciously, Ash, Liara and Garrus only picking up the occasional Alliance English word thrown into their sentences.

"So… anyone want another drink?" Ashley asks, her interest in her commanding officers clearly waning.

"Sure." Garrus says, standing up to join her, "Liara?"

The Asari shakes her head, still absorbed in the rapid-fire of unintelligible syllables sprouting from Kaidan and Shepard, both of them gesturing passionately as they argue. She smiles at them, listening to the beauty of the strange sounds and watching as something as yet unnamed sparks between them.

The ship is quiet.

**A/N - "But the Commander doesn't have an accent in the game." Yeah yeah I know. But she comes from Mindoir guys, _Mindoir!_ **

**Ok fine - I made it up. Happy? :) **


	4. Virmire

**Forgive me if this seems a bit out of character... well if it all seems a bit out of character for them. This is just the way they've turned out in my head :) I like them. This is mostly taken from their conversation in the game after Virmire with a few of my own twists. **

**I own nothing. I am intensely and aggressively poor. **

**4. Virmire**

The ship is quiet.

A heavy silence blankets the SSV Normandy, there is palpable tension in the air. Kaidan sits in the cargo bay on an upturned crate, his head in his hands. He stares at the metal grating of the floor, his brain numb. His mind is filled with images of Virmire and they're jumbled, nonsensical.

Ashley is dead.

It hasn't really hit him yet. His brain hasn't caught up. Not only is one of the crew gone but Saren's ship is apparently alive, hell bent on destroying the universe and undeniably, terrifyingly evil.

_ "You exist because we allow it, and you will end because we demand it." _

He shivers at the memory of that voice, the emotionless, computer-generated voice that had filled the room, filled _them_, reverberating around inside them and twisting their insides horribly. For an instant he finds himself wishing Shepard had left him there instead of the chief. The galaxy has changed irrevocably and he doesn't know how to even begin to deal with it.

He takes a deep, shaking breath and lets it out slowly to steady himself. When did moping or worrying ever get him anywhere? Shepard had come back for him, for the bomb, and had left Ash behind. It has happened. There is nothing he can do about it no matter how much he wishes he could change it. But then, would he have done the same in his commander's position? He frowns; he has no idea.

_"Joker!" Shepard is sprinting up to the bridge, her comm link crackling, Kaidan not too far behind her, "Get us back to the tower."_

_ "There's no time Commander!" Ashley's voice is resigned, the sound of gun-fire peppering the background noise. _

_ "Hell no Chief, I didn't bring you all the way from…" _

_ "COMMANDER!" the Chief screams done the comm link. "GET. OUT. NOW." _

_ "Bomb blows us all to hell in 30 seconds Commander!" _

_ "DAMN IT! Get us out of here Joker." _

Kaidan lifts his head as the elevator doors open with a sharp hiss and the Commander steps out, her boots clanking on the metal grill. Her face is unreadable but there are dark circles underneath her eyes and her shoulders are stooped slightly more than usual. They haven't spoken since they left Virmire, left her behind, and it startles him how much he misses her.

She sits down on another crate beside him and stares at her hands, her elbows resting on her knees, hunched over, defeated.

"You ok.?"

Kaidan lets out his breath in a surprised huff. "Am I ok?" he's incredulous that she can even be thinking about someone else, let alone him. "No. You?"

"No."

There's silence, and only half of it is uncomfortable. He looks at her, properly for the first time in almost a week and realizes she's on the verge of giving up, her shoulders slumped. How could he have let her deal with Virmire alone? He cringes at himself, disgusted.

"We're so close now Shepard." He tells her, "When the council hears what we found they're going to have to give us their support."

She sighs then smiles ruefully. "It's been a long time coming, but I think we've earned it." She says, glancing up at him.

"I suppose it'll be a fitting tribute for Ash."

There's silence and he's afraid he's gone too far before she smiles sadly, "I think you're right."

"How are you going with that?" He asks, his voice low and soft.

She frowns and lifts a hand to bite at a fingernail, a gesture he's begun to associate with her pushing something down into the back of her mind. She bottles things, he's noticed, hides emotions deep into the corners of her brain almost in the hopes that if she can't feel them, they'll go away.

"Not great," she admits, the continued chewing of her nails letting him know that's an understatement. "But it was either her, or the bomb and you so…"

"I can't believe we just left her behind you know?" As soon as he says it, he wishes he could take it back.

"I tried Kaidan, you were there remember?" Her voice cracks a little and he's instantly sorry he's got such a big mouth.

"I know I'm sorry Shepard." He picks idly at the knee of his trousers, "It's getting to be a bit much you know? I mean, the Reapers…They're so ancient, so old, so…" he pauses, "How do we even know where to start?"

"The Turians are old, and we gave them a boot in the ass."

Kaidan turns to look sidelong at her, an eyebrow raised. "Yeah? I think we're going to need a bigger boot Commander."

He can't hide his satisfied smile as the sound of her laughter fills the cargo bay for a brief second, her eyes flashing back to something of their familiar brightness. But as soon as it's appeared, she's gone again.

"Seriously, the council will have to mobilise the Galaxy. They can't ignore us now." He continues, his voice low and confident.

"Hah! You clearly haven't spent too much time with politicians." Her voice is dripping with cynicism.

"You've been behind this the whole way Shepard, no one could have done what you have. They have to listen to you. I don't think anyone could stop you if they tried." His voice is emphatic, earnest. _"I don't think I've ever met a woman like you." _he adds in French, slipping into the language unconsciously.

She laughs softly, _"Do you say that to all of your commanding officers?" _

He shrugs, _"Only since I discovered the Captain's mess gets better food." _

"Seems legit."

His face is serious, eyes darkening, and he places a hand under her chin, turning her head towards him. _"Seriously though Shepard, there's something here that I'm starting to find difficult to keep separate from duty but I want to follow it through." _

_"I know." _Her green eyes are soft as she looks up at him and he realizes suddenly just how tiny she is when she's not dressed in her armour.

_"I don't want to muddy the waters but I like you, a lot." _He sighs, _"I don't know, maybe after this is all done it'll be different but…" _

"I hear you." She rests a hand on the side of his face and smiles sadly, _"I'm in agreement." _

He covers her hand with his own and kisses her wrist, "Good."

They smile at each other, the smile tinged heavily with sadness and guilt. He has a horrible, sinking, feeling that their lives are about to be filled with even more darkness and despair in the face of the looming invasion by an ancient, terrifying, heartless enemy, but he's damned if he's going to let this glimmer of hope drift past him. As far as he's concerned, the Alliance can shove their regulations up their collective…

"I should get back." She murmurs, an unreadable expression shining out of her vividly green eyes.

"Yeah."

And then she's gone, and Kaidan is left once more with his thoughts, his analytical brain turning everything over. As the elevator doors slide shut, Commander Shepard smiles.

The ship is quiet.

**Hooray! Things are happening. We may even move off the ship at some point. I know! Crazy right?! **


	5. Grounded

**Just a short one this time around - I didn't think it needed to be dragged out. This is yet another "straight from the game with embellishments" chapter for which I apologise. We'll get back to original content soon! **

**I OWN NOTHING! YOU HEAR ME? NOTHING.**

* * *

**5. Grounded**

The ship is quiet.

From his station, Kaidan has been concentrating less and less on fixing the drive relays and more and more on the Commander's movements. His brown eyes follow her across the crew deck as she stalks towards the bridge for what must be the fiftieth time that day since they got the message from Udina.

Grounded.

Was the man insane? Did he _want_ Saren to succeed? Kaidan frowned, his brow furrowing in thought as he turned over the last mission in his mind, anger and disbelief creeping into the corners of his brain. He had been there, standing behind her, covering her back like always, when that _thing_ had spoken. A chill runs unbidden up his spine at the memory. How could the council not take her seriously? After all she has done before now?

There's a clanking of steel-capped boots on metal and the Commander stalks back to her locker, no doubt politely having been told to get-the-hell-off-my-bridge-you're-killing-the-atmosphere by the acerbic pilot. He turns back to his console, attempting to concentrate but there's a large "thump" followed by a string of bilingual cursing. He sighs, powering down his omni-tool, and quietly moves to intercept her.

Commander Shepard turns at his soft footsteps and seems to deflate. Her shoulders slump and she lets out a breath in an explosive sigh. Arianna slams her back into the locker that has apparently fused shut and sinks to the ground, dejected and defeated.

"Commander, are you alright?"

In spite of herself, she laughs and there's a distinctly bitter edge to it. "Not especially, no." Her voice is dripping with wry amusement.

Kaidan smiles back, his face still creased with worry. He moves to sit down next to her, his long legs stretched out in front of him, his back against a locker.

"I'm sure there's a way to appeal." He continues, "we're under Alliance authority after all, not the council."

She sighs, resting her head in her hands, "Official channels are closed, Kaidan, they were quite clear about that."

Kaidan blinks and is suddenly angry, at the council, at Udina, at the Alliance, he's angry _for_ her since she is determined on sounding defeated. "Closed? And we're supposed to accept that?" He waves his arms expressively in front of him, "So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, we may as well get a good seat."

Arianna looks over at him, frowning. She's never seen this side of him before, never seen him lose control of his tightly reined in frustration. He's always been the voice of reason on their ship, the unshakable rock of calm. To see him mirror her feelings so perfectly is a bit jarring. She's not entirely sure she likes it.

"We're out of the game for now," her eyes are pleading, "I need you to be there while I figure things out."

He huffs out a breath and raises a tired hand to his head, rubbing a temple ruefully and closing his eyes. She watches him fight to regain control.

"I'm sorry Commander. You can count on me, or any of the crew. You know that."

She frowns, "Come on Kaidan, I can get a salute from anyone on this ship."

"Commander, this makes no sense." He doesn't seem to have heard her, "Are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued assets or just… peons?"

There's a small pause and Arianna looks up at him, a small smile twitching at the corners of her mouth, "You can't just pull out a good old fashioned 'It'll be alright' can you?"

He laughs, "Hah! It's that easy is it? Ok then." His voice softens, "Everything'll be fine Shepard, you'll figure it out."

"Much better." She smiles.

"You know, there's a bright side to all of this." Kaidan muses, pushing himself off metal flooring, "We have some downtime to work things out. What we are." He extends a callused hand to her to pull her to her feet.

She pushes herself up off the ground just as he pulls her up and their combined, unexpected force launches her upwards a little too quickly. She overbalances and Kaidan catches her, strong arms encircling her waist. They freeze. Kaidan can feel her breath on his face, her mouth close, her green eyes fluttering closed. He leans forward and…

_"Sorry to ah… interrupt Commander, got a message from Captain Anderson." _

Their faces are matching shades of beet red as the spring apart. "Joker! Were you spying on us?"

_"No Ma'am."_

Kaidan sighs as she touches his arm briefly, apology clear in her vividly green eyes, and walks slowly back to the bridge. They'd figure it out eventually.

The ship is quiet.


	6. Ilos

**Another short one today sorry - but never fear! There are a few longer chapters on their way! Thankyou so much for the follows! **

**I own nothing. **

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**6. Ilos**

The ship is quiet.

Tangible suspense hangs in the air of the Normandy, seeping into the cracks, running through the power conduits, flickering in the unmanned stations. Ilos is looming on the horizon, its shadow falling across the bridge regardless of the fact it's hours away. Arianna stirs and her eyes flicker open, vividly green even in their half-awake state.

She smiles.

It's completely ridiculous, she knows, that she can smile at this particular moment. It's unfathomable that she's filled with warmth that's not purely nervous energy. Flashes of last night leap one by one into the forefront of her mind, like frames in an old-earth movie.

_"Don't you think we're a little past titles?" _

_ "If I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here." _

_ "If things don't go well, I want you to know; I've enjoyed serving under you."_

The commander presses her face into the pillow to suppress laughter as she remembers Kaidan's voice and sheepish facial expression. _You went with that one_?, she thinks, _smooth_.

_"You're still hesitating?" _

_ "…I mean the regs against fraternization seem kinda petty now." _

_ "I think about losing you and I can't stand it." _

_ "You and I, we, are important right now." _

_ "Stay here tonight Kaidan." _

A small, insistent, red light begins flashing out of the corner of her eye and she sighs. Her alarm clock is finely tuned to her visual cortex Alliance implants, soundless and stealthy. Half an hour until this is all over. She turns her head and her smile widens inexplicably. She feels like a kid in a candy store, a thrill at their clandestine little secret. Kaidan's face is so close to her own that she can almost feel his breath on her forehead. She looks up, taking in his features, his expression peaceful, innocent, contented.

"Kaidan?"

His brow furrows and he buries his face further into the pillow, groaning slightly. She files the fact that he's clearly not a morning person away for later.

"Come on, we need to go."

_"You, are the worst person, in the entire world." _He mumbles, his voice muffled but it's definitely laced with wry good humour and not a little bit of fondness.

_"I try." _She replies in French, sitting up, the covers around her chest.

There's a flurry of movement, so sudden that she doesn't see it coming. Kaidan's fingers close around her upper arm and then he's somehow, Shepard doesn't quiet see how, manages to flip her around so she's crushed to his chest, arms circling her waist. She laughs against his cheek, her black hair falling across his face.

"Seriously Kaidan, we have to go."

He sighs, "I know."

Neither of them moves.

It's almost like they're hoping, beyond hope, that if they ignore Ilos, it'll cease to be. Like the Captain's cabin is outside of the space-time-continuum.

_"Commander, 15 minutes out from the relay." _

She squeezes her eyes shut as tightly as she can and her fists clench. She must stay strong, stay together, if not for the crew then for herself. They look at her and see hard, fierce, capable, unflappable Commander Shepard.

Well, she thinks, most of them.

How Kaidan has managed to look past her shield and see _her_, she will never understand. How he's managed to be a soldier the minute he steps foot in the Mako, never questioning, always trusting and always following orders, but also be her _friend_ and confidant when they're off duty. It's like he's able to flick a switch in his brain. She's come to trust him completely, she realizes with a start, and it's been a long time since someone has wormed their way in through her tightly controlled mask. Not since Mindoir.

The minute she realizes she truly loves him she doesn't say anything. It's been creeping up on her so stealthily she really doesn't know what to do with it. All of that time on the ship in between missions, talking, playing poker, stealing ice-cream, laughing, crying…

_"We need to go." _He whispers into her hair, his voice low and sad.

She takes a breath and slowly and carefully, puts her revelation into a box, tucking it away in the corner of her mind. It would need to be dealt with later, but right now, the Mu Relay was looming.

And then they're both dressed in their Alliance uniforms, standing near the door to her cabin. They are both aware that the minute they set foot outside, this moment is over. He leans over and kisses her, softly, his hands on the sides of her neck.

"To be continued." She murmurs as the doors slide shut behind him.

The ship is quiet.

* * *

**You heard the commander. **


	7. Sleep

**I. OWN. NOTHING. This is also my version of event - it is slightly different to the game. Don't eat me :) **

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**7. Sleep**

The ship is quiet.

This is unusual given the steady stream of Alliance brass, reporters, citadel hospital staff and technicians that have been crawling all over the SSV Normandy's crew decks for the past few days since Sovereign has been blown to pieces. The press has been largely disappointed and the Alliance commanders have been turned away, their de-briefing folders un-filled.

Commander Shepard is out; cold.

Kaidan shifts in the lounge chair that the Doctor has wordlessly had moved into the Med Bay for his use, all pretense at being clueless as to the nature of their relationship completely gone. He doesn't find himself minding too much, particularly since his superiors in the military don't seem to have anything to say.

Well, he supposes that's what happens when you save the Galaxy.

He attempts to focus on the datapad in front of him, the steady beeping of Shepard's heart monitor like a soothing balm as he reads through the message for what must be the thousandth time that afternoon.

"_Admiral Steven Hackett does hereby confer the title of "Commander" to Lieutenant Kaidan Alexander Alenko in light of recent exemplary services to Humanity." _

Commander. Commander Kaidan Alenko. Commander Kaidan Alexander Alenko.

"Nope," he murmurs to himself, turning the datapad face down on the arm of the chair, "doesn't sound right."

He runs through the rest of the message in his head, the words burned into his memory, _"You are to report to the Human Embassy on the 29__th__ of November, 2183 at 0800 hours for your new assignment." _

Two months from now. Two months is all he has left on the Normandy. Two months of shore leave before he's reassigned. Two months until there's not a chance he's going to see her everyday. Two months until their main form of communication is going to be via email. Two months until he's worrying about her, rushing into ridiculous situations without him to watch her back.

And she's _still_ not awake.

He sighs and runs a tired hand across his face, very aware of the fact he looks like hell. Sleeping in an armchair will do that to a man; he has cricks in vertebrae in his back he wasn't even aware existed. Yet he refuses to leave. He's already been deathly afraid she's dead once before and he has no desire to do it again.

_"Arianna!" He's aware he's screaming her name, her _first_ name, but he doesn't care; she's not answering. _

_ Strong hands close around his waist and he struggles, shouting for her as Wrex pulls him away from the falling debris, his world falling into black as the ceiling collapses on top of them. _

_ "Over here!" _

_ Kaidan blinks, crying out with shock and blinding pain as light overwhelms his migraine-addled brain. He's dimly aware that he's overdone it; the sour, metallic taste in the back of his throat coupled with the ear-splitting agony speaks volumes. For a second he's confused then in an instant everything rushes back and suddenly the migraine doesn't matter anymore. He closes his eyes against the onslaught, squeezing them shut as much as he can. _

_ "Anything broken Lieutenant?" Captain Anderson's voice is strangely hushed. _

_ "Just my brain Sir." He replies, his voice cracking oddly. _

_ "I need a medic!" Anderson calls before turning back to Kaidan, "Hang in there soldier." _

_ "The Commander?" _

_ The silence is all Kaidan needs to tell him what he's been fearing. He opens his eyes, squinting against the stars of the migraine, takes in the Captain's clouded expression, and decides darkness is the better option. _

_ He's silent as the Medic gives him a quick once over with his omni-tool and presses a shot of pain meds into his neck. A muffled shouted protest in a familiarly gruff voice lets him know that Wrex is alive and unharmed. Probably. _

_Only one is missing. _

"_On your feet Alenko." The Captain tells him, hauling him up into a sitting position, one arm under his elbow. _

_Kaidan bends his knees and rests his arms outstretched on top of them, his head low. The Captain can hear him breathing heavily, long and slow, through the pain and he winces in sympathy. Anderson watches as his shoulders slump and his breathing evens out, the fast-acting meds taking a hold and relieving some of the mind-numbing agony L2s were prone to feeling. _

"_Sir," a stupidly young Private salutes the Captain smartly, "we've done a sweep of the area sir. All clear." _

_Kaidan's shoulders slump even more and Anderson watches his face crack, his hands reaching up to cover his eyes almost like he's about to… _

_And then he's remembering the two of them on his ship before he's reassigned. Their easy banter, their idle chattering in a strange language when they think they're alone. He was always watching her, aware of her every move, filling the gaps in her battle plans so seamlessly and without being asked that Anderson can remember wondering if he was telepathic as well as telekinetic. She was always seeking him out after missions to get his opinion, and every time he saw one of them on the decks, the other was never truly far behind. _

_Just as the Captain is reaching out to lay a comforting hand on the Lieutenant's shoulder, there's a shout from the other side of the ruined council chambers. _

"_Oh God." Kaidan whispers, bracing himself for what he knows is coming. _

_He takes a deep breath and accepts Anderson's outstretched hand to haul him to his feet, ignoring the obviously pitying look on his face, turning to face what he knows he must. _

_And there she is. _

_He stares at her for a moment, watches as she stands on the piece of the ceiling, her body wreathed in the artificial light from the Citadel's core like some long forgotten ancient hero, her eyes scanning the crowd for something, someone. _

_Anderson watches as she finds him and a broad grin splits her face in two. Kaidan claps his former Commander on the shoulder, an identical smile plastered across his features and the Captain can only stare between them, dumbfounded._

_For his part, Kaidan can almost feel the final traces of the migraine evaporate as her green eyes meet his own. Before he knows it, he's running towards her and she's climbing awkwardly down off the rock, swaying slightly as she moves towards him. His smile fades, his insides churning and he's aware of the alarmed shouts around him. He's sprinting now, calling out her name, her first name, damned if he's going to lose her just as he's got her back. She pitches forward, her eyes rolling into the back of her head and he barely gets there in time, catching her just as she tumbles towards the ground. _

"_Shepard?" His voice sounds distant in his own ears, "Ari? Arianna?! I need some help over here!" _

Kaidan snaps awake with a jerk at a light pressure on his shoulder. "Wha…?"

"It's just me."

He rubs his neck awkwardly, sitting back with a sigh at the snapping and popping of his stiff joints. Three nights on the chair is not doing him any favours, he muses.

"Any change?" Captain Anderson asks, pulling up Doctor Chakwas' rolling office chair.

Kaidan shakes his head with a small sigh, "None yet sir, although the Doc said she's dreaming. Which is apparently a good sign." He doesn't seem completely convinced.

"She'll pull through, I've seen her get up after worse."

Kaidan's mouth twists into a frown and his eyes rest, worriedly, on the Commander's sleeping form. "That's what the Doc said."

"See? She's probably just exhausted." Anderson leans back and props his legs up, nonchalantly on the side of her bed.

"Hah." Kaidan laughs, releasing his held breath in a rush, "Before we hit Ilos I don't think she'd slept in… two, maybe three days?"

Anderson smiles, almost wickedly, "And just how would you know that Commander?"

"Ah…" Kaidan isn't sure if his currently beet-red face is because of the obvious implication of the question or his new title.

"You do know I could absolutely have you both officially reprimanded and demoted for fraternization?" Anderson's smile is gone.

Despite his exhaustion, Kaidan bristles, his brown eyes flashing. "With all due respect sir, I would like to see you try. That woman just saved every last one of us."

Anderson notes, with not a small amount of pride, that Kaidan makes no mention of his role in the world-saving. He's pretty sure the new Commander would sacrifice his shiny title to make sure she didn't lose hers. He smiles, satisfied that this is no small fling.

"Relax Commander. I was just testing you."

Kaidan huffs out another breath and smiles ruefully. "Yeah, I figured."

They're silent for a few minutes, both staring at the woman in the hospital bed, her eyelids flickering quickly and her mouth curved upwards in a small smile.

"You really do love her don't you?" Anderson's voice is hushed.

"Yeah." Kaidan meets the older man's eyes and smiles. "I really, really do."

"And you know that's why Hackett's transferring you?"

The younger man is silent for a moment, his eyes fixed on a point somewhere on the wall in front of him. "Yes sir."

"… Kaidan?"

They both jump in surprise, snapping around to the bed to where Shepard is stirring, her movements groggy and confused. Kaidan is almost immediately there at her side, his callused fingers curling around the hand that's reaching for him blindly. He barely feels the hand on his shoulder as Anderson says goodbye, the Med Bay hissing shut behind him.

"Hey it's ok! It's ok Ari. I'm here." He kisses the back of her hand, relief coursing through him like an instant balm.

Her eyes flutter open and then widen as she seems to remember something vitally important, "Did we get him?"

Kaidan grins at her, "We kicked his ass Commander. We kicked it all over the Citadel actually." His voice lowers and his smile fades, "One of the pieces nearly took you out."

Arianna frowns, her eyes narrowing as she takes in his appearance properly. His eyes are bloodshot and there are dark circles beginning to form. There are lines on his forehead where there didn't used to be any before and he's sitting, hunched over, shoulders stooped in exhaustion.

"_Kaidan, how long have I been out for?" _

"_Three days." _

"_And have you slept at all?" _

Kaidan's eyes hold hers, darkening with some unreadable emotion and as the doors hiss open, he shakes his head.

"Welcome back Shepard." Doctor Chakwas says, moving over to the Commander with her Omni-tool at the ready.

Kaidan is forced back into his chair, watching with slight amusement as Arianna protests and Doctor Chakwas fusses.

"I'm _fine_ Doc, honestly. I'm just a little tired."

"Oh you're fine are you? You've just woken up after severe head trauma Arianna Shepard, don't you tell me how you're doing. _I'll_ tell you how you're feeling." The Doctor continues to process her scans and eventually looks up with a slightly sheepish smile. "You're fine. Apparently just exhausted."

Arianna laughs softly and Kaidan grins at the sound, realizing he's missed it deeply, an ache in his heart slowly fixing itself. He has his Shepard back.

"I'm giving you something for your headache Shepard." The Doctor says, pressing an air-syringe to her neck. "You'll need to stay here for a couple more days and you'll need bed rest for at least a week but you'll be ok. Your biotics are more or less fine, which is surprising. A knock to the head like that would have been enough to kick them loose." She smiles down at her patient, "You're a tough one Shepard."

"I try." She smiles back, then her face snaps into a yawn that she tries to cover without any success at all.

"Sleep Arianna." The Doctor says, "I'll be back in the morning to check on you." She turns a stern face to Kaidan without warning and suddenly feels like a ten year old. "And you. Get some proper sleep. That's an order Commander. I don't want to see you in that chair when I get back."

"Yes Doctor." He says meekly, wondering how Chakwas always manages to make him feel like he's being scolded for something.

She smiles genially at them both before leaving, the doors hissing shut behind her.

"Commander?"

"Ah yeah… we need to talk." She opens her mouth to speak but Kaidan moves over and swiftly lays a hand across her lips. "But later. You heard the Doctor."

She narrows her eyes but thankfully doesn't argue, instead shifting awkwardly over to one side of the narrow cot, pulling the covers back. He smiles, taking the cue, and climbs in, arranging his limbs so neither of them will fall off the Med Bay bed. The instant his head touches the pillow, they're both sound asleep.

When the Doctor strides into the Med Bay the next morning, she stops in the doorway, a soft and fond smile crossing her face. Kaidan is resting on his back, one arm trapped under Shepard's side, the other on her waist. Arianna is lying with her head on his chest, her arm draped over him almost possessively.

Well, she thinks, I did say I didn't want to see him in the chair.

The ship is quiet.

* * *

**Nawwwwwwwww.**

***ahem* Anyway, time for some more Shenko fluffiness next week as we head off-ship! Woop! **


	8. Holiday

**Ok so I'm working on getting something BIG and VERY AU into the story right now. Don't say I didn't warn you. I have a whole pile of chapters written during ME3 that I'm super proud of and can't wait to share with you all. Now I've just got to figure out how to fill in the gaps. So apologies if this is the last chapter for a while! **

**In the interim, please enjoy this serving of Shenko fluffiness :) **

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**8. Holiday**

The house is quiet.

Kaidan blinks awake, his mind groggily shaking off the fog of sleep. He is lying face down on the bed, sheets tangled around his shoulders, the heavy blankets tucked around his waist. The climate control unit is whirring softly in the corner, the false fire flickering merrily. He frowns at the empty space next to him and finds himself thinking that one of these days he's going to wake up before she does.

He rolls slowly onto his back, rubbing two hands over his eyes, before turning his head to one side to check the time. He can't help but smile at the thermo mug sitting on the bedside table, steam pouring out of the top.

"Arianna, you are my absolute favourite." He mutters, sitting up and cradling the cup of coffee between both hands, inhaling the heady aroma of the _real_ coffee Ari has somehow managed to track down.

_"I drink that sludge on the ship to stay alert," _She had said, her nose crinkling in disgust as she expertly maneuvered her way around the small espresso machine they had discovered in the kitchen, "_this stuff I drink because it's like liquid gold." _

She wasn't wrong, he thinks, taking a sip of the coffee and smiling contentedly. He lowers the cup and blinks; there's music drifting in through the doorway that she's left open just a crack. Still holding the cup, he shuffles out of the bed, pulling on a large, black sweater, and moves towards the door, his pajama bottoms rustling around his legs.

The cabin they've hired for the month of shore leave they have left is quite frankly stunningly beautiful. They've been there for a few days and Kaidan still catches himself holding his breath at the view from the small living area. Tucked into one of the more remote mountain ranges of the wintery planet, Paradiso, the balcony looks out over a frozen lake, surrounded by green pine trees covered in snow.

He remembers Arianna telling him about it on the Normandy before they were dropped unceremoniously on the citadel and told to "take some mandatory leave" or else. Regardless of the fact that the crew, Captain Anderson and, Kaidan suspects, most of the Alliance Military know about their less-than-regulation-relationship, they still take unspoken care in their movements off the ship. They had taken separate shuttles to the near-deserted exo-planet, so far away from any form of civilization, it's barely even on the map. Kaidan had arrived about half a day before her, taking in the sights of the small tourist destination's major city. It's barely more than a village, and he had found himself back in the shuttle station lounge with a book not even an hour later.

He had barely recognized her when she stepped through the gate into the airport, he remembers slightly sheepishly. But then, he had never seen her in civvies before. While his sense of "fashion" was staid and plain, not entirely different to his shipboard attire, she looks like a completely different person, which, he muses, she really is when not in what he calls "military mode". Arianna had practically skipped through the doors to the waiting lounge, her characteristic enthusiasm and excitement seeming like it was bubbling under the surface of her jeans and red, fitted jumper. There was a mustard-coloured scarf clinging loosely to her neck and a bottle green, knitted cap resting in her black hair. She carried a small duffel bag over one shoulder and what was unmistakably a guitar case over the other. The heels of her brown boots clicked against the tiles of the floor as she walked towards him, a brilliant smile splitting her pale, freckled face in two.

_"Well you look different." _He'd said after scooping her up in his arms and kissing her in greeting.

_"I'm incognito."_ She had replied, tapping the side of her nose, her bright green eyes dancing merrily.

She looks ten years younger, he notices, smiling. A great and terrible weight had been forcibly lifted from her slender shoulders and she had been turned about on her heel, back to life before… well Mindoir, he imagined. She had told him about it the night before, told him the reason for her sudden career change. He swallowed, his mouth going dry at the thought of losing everything, everyone he had ever cared for, all in one night. He probably would have been driven mad.

But she hadn't been. She had abandoned her musical ambitions, trading her beloved guitar for a pistol and an amp jack, driven by a mindless need to protect the innocent, to make sure there was never another Mindoir. But here, in the quiet of the mountains, she has shed her single-minded militant persona and is _herself_.

Kaidan finds himself wishing they could stay here forever.

He pads quietly to the door to the balcony, which, to all intents and purposes, appears to be completely open to the elements. A shimmer out of the corner of his eye says otherwise, the climate-field is keeping the warm air of the cabin from escaping to the alpine atmosphere. Arianna Shepard is reclining idly on one of the long daybeds, her back against the cabin, facing out towards the stunning view. One leg is dangling over the edge of the cushions, the other is propping up her guitar. Her fingers are lazily strumming, picking out a melody and counter harmony, each chord seems like it hangs in the still air before shimmering into nothingness.

Kaidan watches her, hidden from her view in the doorway, coffee mug cradled in his hands. Her face is far away, her green eyes unfocused and her head tilted to one side, listening critically to each combination of notes. The guitar is old, he notices suddenly, really old. Its wood is chipped in places and there are what appear to be scorch marks around the neck underneath her fingers. There are letters engraved into the wood where the neck joins the body of the instrument in a curiously beautiful, cursive and looping script. "_NG"_

"_Good morning_."

Kaidan blinks, eyes snapping up from the guitar to her face. He smiles slowly. "_Morning. Thankyou for this._" He says waving the cup carefully.

"_No problem_."

He moves over to the couch, sitting down next to her. She rearranges herself so her bare legs are draped over his lap, continuing to pluck away at the guitar strings lazily. She's wearing one of his sweaters, he notices with an oddly warm feeling. He's struck suddenly by how easy this is, how right it all feels. To be here with her by themselves, without the crew. There's no trace of awkwardness or uncertainty, which, he supposes, is due in part to the friendship they've built up over the last year on board the ship. He doubts either of them can pinpoint when their relationship shifted so significantly. He finds he doesn't really care.

"What do the letters stand for?" He asks, idly trailing circles on one of her pale legs.

The music stops briefly then begins again, "It belonged to my mother." She says softly.

"Oh." He replies, frowning, "N, G." he wonders, not realizing he's wondered out loud.

"Nerida Grace."

Arianna smiles into the guitar as the fingers on her leg still suddenly and Kaidan's mouth opens and closes in surprise. "_The _Nerida Grace?"

"Yep."

Kaidan is fairly gobsmacked given that he has practically grown up with the famous singer's vids playing in the background of his family's home. She had been unbelievably popular, her voice like rich velvet, her face flawlessly beautiful. She had been portrayed as perfect, unflappable, aloof and supremely talented; hers was a voice, the likes of which critics said would never be heard again.

And then she had disappeared.

"Well that solves one of life's mysteries." He breathes, smiling crookedly over at Arianna, "What happened?"

She laughed, her eyes crinkling around the edges, "She met my Dad." She said simply, a fond smile gracing her features, "It's your average fairy-tale, horrifically romantic story. Back-world engineer meets famous singer, famous singer decides fame isn't all it's cracked up to be, back world engineer whisks her away to his colonial home, they live happily ever after."

Kaidan laughs in spite of his shock; he doubts she will ever cease to surprise him. "Now that I know, I can kind of see the resemblance." He notes, tilting his head to one side. "Except for your hair."

She sighs, "No I inherited that as well." She says, referring to the flaming true-red locks her mother was famous for. "I dye it black." She grins again, "I'm a ginger through and through. Surely you've heard me audibly crackling in the sun."

"Ah, so that's what that was." He grins, "I wondered."

She shoves him playfully with one foot in his side. He smiles, his fingers returning to idly tracing patterns on her legs, hers returning to her guitar. It's moments like these that they've missed. Extended periods of just… nothing. After the stress of the last few months it's almost jarringly, achingly wonderful to just sit and stare out over the frozen forest below them.

"So how did you find this place Ari?" He asks around his coffee mug.

"Having a famous parent has its advantages." She says, her voice almost smug. "Not least of which is a fairly sizeable trust fund."

He frowns, "So, you're paying for this?"

The guitar stops and she lays it to one side with a sigh. She's been waiting with almost baited breath for this, knowing his deep-seated and counter-cultural sense of chivalry was going to have to be dealt with at some point.

"No," she says slowly and carefully, "my _mother_ is paying for all of this. _Has_ paid for it." She adds as an afterthought. "It was her house after all. Well, I suppose it's mine now."

Arianna smiles as Kaidan relaxes visibly, "Right. Well that makes me feel better."

"Good." She says, shifting so she is curled up next to him, her knees drawn up to her chest. "Oh and don't think I didn't notice you slipping the guy at the grocery store your credit chit." She tells him, as he drapes his arm around her shoulders. "Sneak."

"Oh you saw that did you?" He asks mildly, taking a sip from his apparently never-ending coffee mug. "What a shame."

She's silent for a moment, thinking, and then in a voice that's softer than usual says "You're a very rare man Kaidan Alenko. I really do love you."

She feels lips press very softly to the top of her head, "I love you too."

It's the first time they've said it to each other, and it comes and goes with no fanfare, no soaring string music.

Just them, in the quiet.

* * *

**Nawwwwwwww. Right. Now that I've died amongst fluffiness... time to head back to the real world :) **


	9. Gathering

**Ok so I'm actually slightly worried about this one. This is the AU bit - the bit that's come from my brain. It's a bit out of character for the in-game Kaidan and Shepard... but I think with the way I've been changing them to suit my own malicious purposes, this is something they would do. **

**Also remember they've known each other for A LOT longer than the game suggests in my version of the story :) **

**I own nothing. **

* * *

**9. Gathering**

The house is quiet.

The small group from the Normandy is milling around on the balcony or in the lounge, chatter wafting on the still air through the house. The night is chillier than usual, even for the wintery planet, and Arianna can almost hear the climate engines humming in the background above the hissing of the snow as it hits the shields. If she had her way, she'd have turned the shielding off the minute the white flakes had started falling but she had a feeling their guests might have something to say about it.

"So… you and Alenko huh?"

Arianna turns from the vista below the house, leaning on the balcony, to the pilot and smiles a little half-smile. "Yeah."

Joker grins, "Way to ditch regulations Shepard. I knew there was a reason I liked you."

Arianna swirls her drink idly in one hand and laughs. "Good to know it had nothing to do with me getting you out of Ilos alive." She comments dryly.

"Well that too."

They're silent for a few minutes, listening to the noise from inside the house. Arianna smiles into the glass in her hand as the raised voices of Kaidan and the Doctor drift from the kitchen out to the balcony. It had been a pleasant surprise when she had woken up one morning early in their stay on the planet, to a heavenly smell coming from the stove. Damn that man could _cook_. He'd told her over a breakfast of pancakes, made from what must have been small pieces of cloud, that his Mom was a chef back on Earth and had taught him. Before he'd been shipped off to "Brain Camp".

It never ceased to amaze Arianna just how well-adjusted he was considering the hellish school system he'd been forced into. She had heard reports of Eezo kids coming out of that place completely mad and afraid of their power. She'd heard rumours of parents disowning their freakish children, denying them because of accidents that weren't even remotely their fault. She always assumed she'd been lucky; after Mindoir, the Alliance had picked her up, trained her and taken her in as one of their own. But Kaidan; he had been abandoned in that horrible place, only released after he had inadvertently _killed_ his instructor. She supposed he hid inside his thoughts and behind his thick moral compass to avoid his past, to make sure it didn't happen again. It strikes her that they're more similar than she thinks.

"Seriously though," Arianna jumps slightly out of her reverie at Joker's voice, "do you think Brass knows?"

It takes her a second to remember what they were talking about, "Hah, I assume so. Kaidan's been transferred."

Joker whistles low, his face falling, "Damn."

"Yep." Taking a sip of her drink she smiles a little, "Although they did promote him so it's not all bad."

"Well finally." A new voice joins them at the rail and Arianna turns to smile at the Turian, "I've often wondered why he doesn't outrank you Shepard." He raises his hands in front of him and smiles, "no offence."

She laughs, "None taken. I asked him that myself last week."

"And?" Garrus is genuinely curious.

She smiles, "He said he thinks too much."

"Who thinks too much?"

They turn from where they're leaning against the railing and Arianna smiles at the man leaning against the doorway, arms folded. He's dressed in one of his many dark coloured sweaters and jeans, and his face is creased in a grin.

"That would be you." Joker says.

"Oh." He raises his eyebrows and his grin turns lop-sided in wry amusement, "Well yeah that's true."

He crosses to the railing and the group turns back to the mountains. "I thought you were cooking up a storm Alenko?" Joker notes.

"I've been banished." He says with a chuckle. "Seriously the Doctor scares me." He looks between the three of them, "So what did I miss?"

"We were just talking about you." Arianna says mildly.

"Yeah congrats _Commander_." Joker says, stressing the title, mock saluting with his bottle of beer.

Kaidan makes a face at that and Arianna sees a flicker of something between pride and sadness cross his face before he smiles. "Thanks. But it's Staff Commander actually. I've been reassigned to the Citadel."

The message had come in about a week ago and while Arianna could see some relief in knowing more about his new post, he was still unsure. She didn't blame him; to go from active duty to a teaching role was bound to be a little jarring, no matter how brilliantly it suited him.

And it did, Arianna thought, Kaidan had been made to teach. She remembered back to their first week on the Normandy together when she had been told by Captain Anderson to ask Kaidan about a new mnemonic she'd been struggling with. He'd explained it to her in five minutes and she'd understood exactly how it worked almost instantly. It had taken her Alliance instructors ten thousand times that long and even then she hadn't quite grasped the concept.

No, he'd be _perfect_ in his new job, she is absolutely certain. It's just the Normandy isn't going to be the same without him, and she's pretty sure he is feeling its loss keenly.

"We'll miss you on board. Not going to be the same without you." Joker says, his voice holding none of his characteristic sarcasm as it mirrors her train of thought.

The others are still talking, she realizes with some surprise, having phased out of the conversation for a minute. Garrus excuses himself, going to get himself another drink, and Arianna takes the opportunity to move a step closer. She links her fingers through Kaidan's and squeezes his hand in what she hopes is a comforting gesture.

She notices Joker giving them an odd look, like he's uncomfortable but happy all at the same time. Arianna supposes it's the first time they've been openly _together_ in front of anyone they know and there's an undeniable thrill to it.

And then Joker _really_ looks at their hands.

"Ah… I have to um… I'll be back." Shepard watches him go with a frown as he swings back to the house on his crutches.

"He noticed?" Kaidan asks, his arm circling her shoulders, pulling her close.

"Oh yeah." She says, snaking a hand around his waist, smugness radiating from every pore.

"Well," he smiles, "I suppose that saves us an awkward 'we have an announcement' conversation later." He says referring to news that only Liara and Garrus have thus far been privy to.

Arianna Alenko smiles as she feels his lips press to the top of her head, running the tip of her thumb over the rings on her third finger. "Yes it does."

The house is quiet.

* * *

**And BAM. There it is. **

**And no, I'm not going to elaborate - mainly because the Cheese-o-meter would be off the scale :) **


	10. Bad Tidings

**Ok writing this nearly made me cry. I'm telling you - there were emotions. **

**I own nothing**

* * *

**10. Bad Tidings**

The apartment is quiet.

Kaidan is staring at the vid feed, a piece of toast halfway to his mouth. His brown eyes are wide and disbelieving, the flash of still-images of wreckage and fire overwhelming his senses.

No.

Just. No.

It has to be a hoax, he thinks, his stomach doing odd flip-flops. The ring on the chain around his neck he's been wearing for the past six months is suddenly burning and heavy. It has to be a joke; she's going to turn up on the doorstep of their apartment in the next few seconds and they'll laugh. Her green eyes will crinkle in amusement at the absurdity of the press and she'll take his hand and tell him everything will be all right.

No.

Just. No.

What is left of the Normandy drifts by the camera and the unnamed journalist's voice cuts into his brain like a knife. "It is unclear just who attacked the pride of the Alliance Fleet but we do know there were some casualties. Notably, Commander Arianna Shepard, the hero of the Citadel, who we understand returned to rescue a crew member and was, as the Navy says, 'spaced'."

No.

The doorbell chirrups at him, slicing through his shock. He shakes himself and moves towards it woodenly, his stomach churning with dread. The door slides open in slow motion revealing Councilor Anderson. His face is low and apprehensive; pity and his own grief mingle together in an odd combination. He's holding a folded Alliance flag.

NO.

JUST. NO.

Kaidan blinks at him before wordlessly and very deliberately, closing the door.

* * *

The minute the rescue transporters touch down on the Citadel, Liara is running. Her mind is numb with shock, like it hasn't caught up yet.

Shepard is gone.

Her best friend is gone. Joker's face flashes across her memory unbidden, his bloodshot eyes staring guiltily out at her from the steaming escape pod. His arms and legs are twisted horribly from the bumpy ride to the surface of the planet but it's his face she remembers. He hasn't said a word since they picked him up.

Liara turns a corner and barrels into the elevator. "Presidium commons." She says to the civilian near the buttons.

Anderson's message is still flashing at her from her omni-tool. _"Worried about Kaidan. Come as soon as you can." _When she gets to the apartment, Anderson is waiting for her, the folded flag in his hand. It's an Earth military tradition, she remembers from her University days, given to war widows or widowers. She blinks, how did he find out?

"He's locked the door." The older man says quietly, touching her arm gently in greeting.

Their faces are mirror images; worry, grief, anger and disbelief. They're both running on empty, unwilling to stop and think about what it is they've lost. And so they concentrate on someone else. Liara nods and sighs before pressing a long, blue finger to the door comm.

"Kaidan? It's me."

They wait for a long moment but there's no answer. She sighs once more and turns to the Councilman. "I'm going to hack the door." She says, her mouth set in a grim line, firing up her Omni-tool.

When the door opens, Liara steps through, motioning for Anderson to wait. Her feet crunch on some broken glass and she's glad she is still wearing her ship-board boots. The apartment lies in ruins, like a stampede of wild animals has torn through, leaving nothing behind. Kaidan is sitting in the middle of the floor, remnants of his biotic field flickering like a faulty light bulb across his body. His knees are drawn up to his chest and his hands cover his face. With a small cry, Liara leaps lightly over the debris and slides to the floor next to him, wrapping her arms around him. He's shaking, she notices.

And then he cracks, breaks like he's broken everything else around him, shivering violently. She holds him tight as he cries.

The apartment is quiet.

* * *

**Blergh. **

**Horizon is next. Double blergh. **


	11. Horizon

**I know - three chapters in one day! Exciting stuff! Unfortunately I've just got to another hole in my story that I need to fill... We'll have to continue this sporadic uploading schedule at a later date. **

**Also - I'm seriously excited that you're all following and liking my take on these characters! It's making me happy. **

**I own nothing. **

* * *

**11. Horizon**

The colony is quiet.

Arianna stares up at the Collector ship as it retreats, sighing in frustration. They've saved a few but too many have been taken. There's nothing more to be done she thinks as she rubs a tired hand across her face, pushing down her gnawing anxiety. All she really wants to do now is run, run through the colony for some sign of him.

_"One of your former crew is stationed on Horizon." _

Why hadn't he told her before? She remembered throwing a hefty and expensive-looking ornament in her new cabin after the Illusive Man had refused to share his intel on where he was just after she woke up. Now she knows, and she is no better off for the information. A cold feeling of dread is pooling in her stomach and waves of nausea are washing over her at the thought of actually meeting him on the planet. What on Earth is she going to say? Ta da? And this is assuming he's been spared and not currently on the Collector ship that's now nothing more than a small dot in the sky.

She shakes her head to clear it; there is still work to be done here and she cannot afford to slip into non-military mode.

"No! Don't let them get away!"

The mechanic runs past her, towards the ship and she sighs once more. "There's nothing we can do. They're gone." Her voice is heavily resigned. How many more did she have to lose? How many more times will she be too late? It's like Mindoir's repeating itself over and over again.

"Half the colony's in there! They took Egan and Sam and Lilith! Do something!"

Kaidan hears the raised voice from where he's talking to his XO on the other side of the building. He shakes his head in disgust at the mechanic; those guys, whoever they were, had just saved their butts.

"I didn't want it to end this way, we did all we could."

Kaidan freezes in place, his eyes wide. "No." he breathes.

"Sir?"

He waves a hand at the Lieutenant to quiet him and peers cautiously around the low colony house. It's like looking back in time, he thinks, the cogs in his brain whirring furiously in an attempt to process what he's seeing. She's standing there, pistol held loosely in one hand, her green biotic corona flickering. Her eyes are just as vivid as he remembers and her hair… He frowns. It's the only thing that's different; a light grey, almost white in the sunlight. Anderson had been stonewalling him, he realises, when he'd asked about the rumours; they appear to have more than an element of truth.

He retreats around the corner, his back pressed up against the wall. What the hell was she doing _here _of all places? It's not like he isn't grateful. He's pretty sure he's never felt quite so helpless in his life as when that wasp-like insect got him. Standing, with his shotgun half drawn, completely immobilised and unable to assist the colonists. He's going to be haunted by Lilith's wide, manic and hysterical expression for a _very_ long time.

But why here? Why now? If she's been alive all this time, why has she waited to talk? Why has she left him in the dark? He fell to pieces after she supposedly died and he's only now begun to feel like he's putting himself back together. Well, he thinks, now is as good a time as any for a horrifyingly awful confrontation.

Ignoring the strange look his XO is giving him, he takes a deep breath and steps out into the open.

"Shepard," Delan is saying in response to something he hasn't heard, "I know that name."

"Commander Arianna Shepard." He says, his voice hushed but thankfully more confidant than he feels, "Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Saviour of the Citadel." He can feel her emerald gaze cutting him to pieces as their eyes meet across the field. "You're in the presence of a legend Delan," he says, turning to the mechanic with a disapproving frown, "And a ghost."

Arianna sees a flash of something cross his face as he murmurs the last of his speech, his brown eyes snapping back to hers almost in accusation. Arianna looks more closely at his facial expression and sighs; no that's not almost, she thinks, it's definitely accusation. Apprehension swiftly replaces the relief she is feeling at seeing him alive.

It occurs to her that this might be harder than she had first thought.

"All the good people we lost and you get left behind." The sour mechanic grumbles, "figures."

Arianna bristles at that unconsciously; Kaidan notices her hand tighten around the holster of her pistol and he nearly smiles. Some things haven't changed at least. Delan walks away, his shoulders stooped in grief. Arianna watches him go, her eyes heavy with exhaustion. Out of the corner of her eye she notices Garrus take Miranda's arm and steer her over to the other side of the field. She swallows her nerves and turns back to face him, forcing herself to meet his gaze.

They stare at each other for a while, each of them unsure of what to say. Now he's closer, he can see the beginnings of a reddish tinge to her hair through the white. There are thin scars dancing across her face with what looks like lights flashing underneath her too-pale skin. He finds himself wondering if the rumours are true and if this is actually _his _Arianna standing in front of him. Did Cerberus really bring her back? Or is this just some clever cybernetic robot?

_"Well you look different." _He says in French, his voice hushed, face expressionless.

Any suspicions he is harbouring about whether it really is her are squashed as she taps the side of her nose and smiles her lop-sided smile, "_I'm incognito."_ She replies.

He can't help himself, regardless of the fact he's completely and utterly _furious_, he steps forward suddenly and wraps his arms around her, burying his face in her hair. She still smells the same, a small part of his brain notices.

"_I thought you were dead Shepard, we all did." _He murmurs.

His voice sounds different, she thinks to herself, older somehow. Like he's aged half a century instead of the two she's been away. She wants him to crack a joke, grin at her or tease her mercilessly about her hair. Hell Joker has been calling her "old man" since she woke up. Miranda has assured her it'll go back to its natural colour eventually but she's beginning to wonder. She wants some sign that he's the same, dependable Kaidan.

He pushes her away suddenly, as though he's remembered he's angry. She watches the internal battle flicker across his face and can understand. On the one hand, he's ecstatic that she's alive, but on the other…

"You don't seem too happy to see me." She says, apprehensively. She realises her hand is still stretched out towards him and she drops it to her side sheepishly.

"You're supposed to be dead. I believed you were dead Ari." And _now_ he's angry, _really_ angry. "Where the hell were you? I though we had something, something real. I… I loved you." His eyes are flashing with accusation, "How could you let me think you were gone? How could you put me through that? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

He's pacing in front of her, his arms waving and it strikes her that it definitely looks bad. What Cerberus did to bring her back is completely unheard of, incredible.

"I was _clinically dead_," she says, some spiteful instinct she's completely disgusted with, jumping into her speech, "it took two years to bring me back."

She hates herself in that moment. She wonders why it is that the people she loves can get that sort of a reaction out of her. He's shouting at her, sure, but she shouldn't be shouting back. She has inadvertently hurt him deeply and, even though it's not her fault, some small part of her brain is telling her she should be letting him shout.

Arianna closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, _"They wouldn't tell me where you were." _She says in French, her voice barely more than a whisper.

"Who, Cerberus?" Kaidan's voice is unsympathetic, his tone raw. "I've heard the rumours, _Shepard_." He emphasises her maiden name and it's like a slap in the face, a nail in the coffin.

She's lost him.

Arianna bites her lip and her eyes flash dangerously. Kaidan sees it, but a perverse voice in his head is telling him he doesn't care.

"So what if I'm working for Cerberus?" She spits at him, her voice cracking. "They're the only ones willing to _do_ anything about the Collectors." She waves an armour-clad arm angrily. "Look around you Kaidan, the council doesn't care, I've spoken to them myself." Her accent has doubled, he notices; never a good sign.

Kaidan ploughs on, regardless. "Oh and you _really_ think I'm out here patching the artillery?" He scoffs, his arms folded. "The Alliance received a tip that Horizon was going to be the next in line."

"THEY GOT THE TIP FROM CERBERUS!" She screams at him.

That same, small part of her is aware she's being completely irrational, that she doesn't trust Cerberus as far as she can throw them, and that now is probably a good time to share that with him. But to be completely honest she's righteously pissed off at his reaction to her being less-than-dead.

"The Alliance believed Cerberus was behind the attacks in the first place." He takes a step closer and Arianna nearly gasps at the fury in his eyes. "I wanted to believe the rumours you were alive, but I never expected anything like this. You're working for the enemy? You've turned your back on _everything_ we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance." He turns away, his shoulders stooped, "_You betrayed me." _

In some ways, she can see his point. But he's being so infuriatingly black and white that she just wants to beat his head against the side of the nearest colony house and/or smoosh his face in with her pistol. She throws her hands up in the air with a frustrated cry.

"Do you really think I would do something like that without a good reason? You _know _me. Think Kaidan." He's turned back to face her and she can see some flicker of uncertainty forming underneath his stubbornness. "You _know _me." She says again, softer, "You saw it yourself. The Collectors are targeting human colonies. They're working with the Reapers."

He runs a tired hand through his hair and exhales, his frustration mirroring her own. _"I want to believe you Ari but I don't trust Cerberus. Have you considered they might be using the threat of the Reapers to get you to work for them?" _Damn him, she thinks; the truth being she _has_ considered it. _"What if they're working with the Collectors?" _

"Kaidan," she huffs angrily, "You're so focused on Cerberus that you're missing the real threat. Don't you see that?"

His eyes are fixed in their obstinance but she can at least see some signs of her argument hitting home. She softens her features, forcing some of the anger into submission.

"Come with us Kaidan." She tries to keep the pleading notes out of her voice but fails, spectacularly.

They stare at each other once more and Arianna can practically see the inner battle he's fighting. She knows, in that second, that he still loves her. He hasn't moved on like she's feared he has. But this is huge for him, she realises, and she's beginning to think they're not going to be able to come back from this.

"Good luck Ari." He says, his voice soft.

She opens her mouth to try again, try to make him see her side of things, to make him believe her wild and impossible story. But she seems to deflate suddenly, admitting defeat. The emerald in her eyes is dull and sad as she stares up at him. She's disappointed in him, he realises, and that cuts him deeper than any of her words have.

He steps forward and rests a hand on the side of her neck, leaning forward to kiss the top of her head. _"Stay safe, ok?" _He whispers hoarsely leaning his forehead against hers for a brief second.

And then he's gone.

Arianna turns and slowly trudges back to the shuttle, her feet heavy and her face low. She ignores the pitying look Garrus has for her and the confusion of Miranda's before getting in and closing the door behind them.

Horizon is quiet.

* * *

**Blergh. Man I am done with the feels. **

**Hah - joking. I'll be back as soon as I get a flash of inspiration to fill that gap I mentioned before. **


	12. Message

**I own nothing. **

* * *

**12. Message**

The ship is quiet.

Arianna tips the remnants of the glass encasing the fish tank, into the waste disposal unit. She steps around the whirring dryer currently pointed at the carpeted flooring and casts a critical eye over the rest of the room to make sure she's got every last scrap. She sighs; she could never keep the sodding things alive anyway. They would have to get someone in to replace it though; she'd found the empty tank sort of soothing.

Which is probably why she'd destroyed it in the first place.

It had been cathartic at least; she did feel miles better than when she had first read the email. But then Miranda had stuck her foot into her bubbling pot of suppressed emotions and she'd exploded; literally.

_The doors hiss open and Miranda steps through with an odd expression. Arianna sighs and closes Kaidan's message on her terminal. She's read it thousands of times in the last few weeks and it's not making any more sense to her. She supposes two years is a long time. But though it's been that long for him, Arianna feels like it has been a few weeks since they had been having dinner on the balcony of their Citadel apartment, watching the shuttles whiz past haphazardly. It feels like it's only been a few weeks since she woke up wrapped in his arms; since she kissed him goodbye to go and chase her latest tip from the Spectre office. _

_ "Is this a bad time?" Miranda's voice cuts into her reverie. _

_ She shakes her head, she's been drifting off too much lately. "No it's fine." She smiles, "What did you need?" _

_ "Your scars are looking better," Miranda notices, pulling a small felt pouch from… well Shepard's not sure she wants to know where from, "and your hair's starting to curl." She frowns, "That doesn't match our Intel on you." Her critical, scientist's eyes are narrowed with a slightly worried expression. _

_ "Relax," Arianna says with a dismissive wave of the hand, "you didn't do anything wrong. I have naturally idiotic hair." _

_ "Really?" Shepard notes a distinctly clinical fascination creeping into her voice and she frowns. _

_ "Did you need something, Miranda?" _

_ The woman who is effectively her XO, shakes her head to clear it and refocuses on Arianna's face with an oddly apprehensive expression. "I came to give you this." She says, thrusting the felt bag into her hands. "I ah… I found them around your neck when we brought you in. There was nothing in our information about you saying you were married so I put them in a drawer in my office and forgot about them. I figured they were an heirloom or something. Then a few weeks ago we got to Horizon…" _

_ Arianna tips the contents of the bag onto her palm and freezes, the emeralds in her engagement ring glinting back at her. _

_ "Shepard?" _

_ Arianna's head snaps up to her XO and she realises she's been staring at her hand for a bit too long. "How… how did you figure it out?" _

_ Miranda snorts in amusement, "You and Alenko were practically seconds away from trying to kill each other. You were bickering like an old married couple. That phrase is kind of appropriate here don't you think?" _

Arianna doesn't remember if she answered. She doesn't remember Miranda leaving, or anything she'd said. The next thing she knows, she's standing in a pool of fish tank water and broken glass, the green of her biotics flickering to nothing.

She sighs, throws the dustpan and brush onto one of the shelves near her desk, sits down and reopens her private terminal. The email is waiting, as it seems to have been every day since their reunion.

_Arianna, _

_ I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for not being there and try to move on. I'd let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know? _

_ But then I saw you, and everything changed. You were standing right there in front of me but you were with Cerberus. I guess I don't really know who either of us is anymore. You were everything to me, but a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside. _

_ Please Ari, just… be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die – on Eden Prime, Virmire, Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself. _

_ When things settle down a little… maybe… I don't know. Come find me and we'll talk. _

_ Just take care. _

_ Kaidan. _

Why the hell was that man so _stubborn_? It was infuriating! He did have a small point though; she agreed that Cerberus was up to something. But she couldn't sit back and watch the Collectors get away with whatever it was they were abducting the colonists for. Kaidan should know that, should agree with her.

He's right; a lot has changed. He seems different to the man she remembers, more self-assured, older, wiser and more confident. She frowns at the screen and twirls the rings around in her hands, spinning them on the chain. She has no idea who this man is anymore, she realises. Part of marriage is growing together, and changing together. But he's had a two-year head start and has left her behind. She thinks for a moment before hitting the "reply" button with a determined set of her jaw. They would fix this, somehow.

The ship is quiet.

* * *

**Just a short one today :) Next time - ME3! Hooray! **

**_Now_ we get to the good stuff! **


	13. In between

**I own nothing. **

**Also thank you so much for the wonderful reviews! **

* * *

**13. In between**

The ship is quiet.

It's deathly quiet Kaidan notes, a frown creeping to the edges of the intense numbness he's feeling. The cargo bay is empty and silent but for the steady rummaging coming from Vega's corner. The Lieutenant, probably in a bid for something to _do_ has headed straight to inventory duty after the commander disappeared to talk to Hackett. Kaidan is left staring stupidly at nothing.

He still can't quite grasp what has just happened. It's like a bad dream. He watched his home get ripped to shreds and they just ran? They left Anderson behind, left countless people behind when they should have been fighting. It's happened so fast his brain is rebelling. Kaidan rubs a tired hand across his face and sighs. He needs time to process things but time is not necessarily something they have an abundance of. But until Shepard gets back, he needs to find something to keep him occupied.

_She's_ here. Of all of the things he's finding hard to get a hold of, that's the one fact that he finds himself understanding. It just seems right, no matter how awkward things are or no matter what hurtful words are hanging in the air between them. It's oddly comforting.

Somehow, he finds himself standing with his guide, a stupidly young laboratory engineer named Samantha, staring at the Med Bay doors. The ship looks eerily similar to the SR1 and he can almost see memories in the rooms around him. He can see Joker swing past on his crutches; Garrus smiling at him on his way to the guns; Liara buried in a book sipping at her tea, Tali sitting opposite her tapping away at a datapad; Arianna's green eyes glittering with mirth as she laughs at something he's said, her spoon halfway back to her bowl of ice cream.

He sighs as the doors shut behind him and images of Dr Chakwas fussing over the crew spring into life before his eyes. With her absence, he's the highest-qualified healthcare professional on board. It's probably as good a time as any to go through what little the Alliance have left in the Med Bay during the retrofit. He shakes his head to clear it and picks up a datapad lying to one side on a bed. He'd process things later.

* * *

Arianna's head is throbbing. She assumes this has more to do with the fact that her scalp is currently bleeding profusely and less so the conversation she's just had with her superior officer. It hasn't sunk in yet, hasn't hit her that Earth is being overrun. She's never really thought of it as home, but every colonist has some instinctive link to it that they can't describe. Humanity is being decimated and she's stuck out here halfway to Mars, in a tin can.

She knows objectively that what they're doing is vitally important and necessary, and as tin cans go, there are worse places to be stuck than the Normandy. But she can't help but feel like it should have been her left behind to fight, not Anderson. He has so much more influence in intergalactic circles than she does, more knowledge and courage. Why is it that people keep looking to her? Is she forever in the wrong place at the wrong time? Ever since Elysium, she's been shoved into the limelight. Just once it would be nice to be the one taking orders instead of issuing them.

She winces and shifts the wad of towel she has pinched from the bathrooms, having not been up to the captain's cabin since they've been unceremoniously bundled on board and off world. She has no idea what state her ship is in; brief information from Hackett tells her it's halfway through a retrofit, whatever that means. She's seen no one she recognises of the skeleton crew on her way to the Med Bay; too many awed faces for her to be completely comfortable. Once more, she finds herself wishing beyond hope for her old crew from the SR1.

The doors hiss open and she stops dead. Be careful what you wish for, she thinks. Kaidan glances up and his eyes widen slightly in surprise. He's standing behind one of the med bay beds, the contents of a cupboard strewn across the covers in front of him. His fingers hover above the datapad in his hands.

"Hi." She says with a sheepish smile.

"Hey." He doesn't move.

The awkwardness is so thick on the air that Arianna can practically swim through it.

"I ah… just came in to ah…" She trails off.

"Oh I was just counting… stuff… you know… something to do…"

She does know. She understands exactly how he's feeling. How it sucks to be cooped up in a space ship while your people are being slaughtered. It's not the best feeling ever. She sighs and turns to the cupboard that used to hold the bandages, her hand still holding the towel to her head. She can feel it getting sticky beneath her fingers and the gash is beginning to send knife-like jabs into her brain.

A hand closes around her wrist and she jumps, nearly through the ceiling. She hasn't heard him move but he's there, peeling back the makeshift bandage and shaking his head.

"Damn." He mutters, "That looks impressive."

She gently, but firmly, pulls away and continues rummaging through the cupboard. "It's nothing, I just came in for a Band-Aid."

He makes an incredulous noise and turns her firmly around to face him. "Ari, sit down, shut up and let me have a look at it." It's hard to argue with him when he's being that decisive and firm about something, she remembers ruefully, sitting down on the edge of the bed and gingerly removing the towel. "You'll have to take your hair down, you might need stitches but I can't be sure."

She sighs and begins unthreading the braids, slipping the pins into her top pocket. Life in the military had been so much easier with short, straight hair. After the Lazarus project had messed with her DNA, it had grown like wildfire. She'd measured it once; almost an inch in a week. She hisses in a breath as a pin catches in the gash, cursing in shock.

"Well done." Kaidan comments dryly, quelled when she shoots him an icy glare.

"Shut up."

This is going well, he thinks. They remain in silence as Kaidan methodically cleans her head, years of training thankfully kicking in and stilling his nerves at being this close to her.

"Your hair's different." He doesn't mean for it to sound as inane as it does and the minute he's said it, he closes his eyes and smothers a groan.

Smooth Alenko, he thinks, smooth.

"Well spotted." She says, dryly, but Kaidan's pretty sure her tone is softening. "It's completely ridiculous." She adds, irritation evident. "I haven't had a chance to get it back to normal yet."

She picks up one unruly, flame red, corkscrew curl and tugs on it idly, watching it straighten. Miranda hadn't been exaggerating when she had said the grey would evaporate overnight. Her hair had seemingly sucked in colour from her surroundings and then sprung upwards into the curls she'd spent years and not a few credits, getting rid of. She lets it go and it jumps back into place; she sighs dramatically. Kaidan chuckles fondly, without thinking; forgetting for a second that he's supposed to be angry with her.

"I like it."

"Sure." She says dryly, "But you're not the one who turns into a clown in humidity."

"Vanity Shepard?" He shakes his head good-naturedly.

"You bet."

Kaidan smiles at the hint of their old camaraderie. It would be nice if it were this easy. Earlier, when he'd seen her in Alliance headquarters he hadn't been looking at _her_, he realises. He'd been looking at his failure. He knows it's ridiculously old fashioned but he's been brought up to believe that promises are important and binding. She is his wife, for god's sake; he should be able to trust her.

To be fair though, he thinks, there has been at least one fairly hefty misunderstanding involved. He'd thought she'd been alive for the two years she had been missing. Two weeks ago, a message had turned up on his personal Omni-tool with excruciatingly detailed files on the Lazarus project. Now _that_ had been an undeniably horrifying afternoon.

But there is still an undercurrent of stubbornness, refusing to forgive her, and he's not sure he can slog through it. He needs to fix this, but he has absolutely no idea how.

"Ok, I think that's got it." He murmurs, tilting her head to one side and moving the light to get a better look to make sure he's got the dirt cleaned out of it. "Look at me for a second?" He asks, switching on a small torch from the familiar field medic kit he's been using.

"What?" She's startled at the question.

He rolls his eyes a little, "I need to check you don't have concussion Ari."

"Oh."

She blinks at the light he flashes briefly into her eyes, his own regarding her response with a practised and critical look.

"What did Hackett say?" He asks, flicking the light in and out of her face.

"We're heading for Mars apparently. There's a Prothean relic there that we need to see."

He sighs and turns the flashlight off, his face resigned but with a definite undercurrent of frustration. She lays a hand on his arm unconsciously and feels him tense. She knows exactly how he feels. Mars seems like they're running away while the rest of their planet fights.

"Kaidan, we have our orders. Hackett has a reason for sending us there." He's silent, unconvinced, and Shepard sighs. "Just… meet us in the cargo bay in an hour ok?"

"Yes ma'am." He says, slightly woodenly.

Arianna narrows her eyes, trying to make sense of the unreadable wash of emotions he's clearly fighting with. He needs more time to think, she realises. She would have to be patient.

She's not sure that's going to be much of an option.

She slides off the bed and smiles tiredly at him. In an hour, they'd know some more. Perhaps they would find something to help them win against an unbeatable foe.

Perhaps.

The ship is quiet.

* * *

**So I have most of the rest of the story written now... just need to fill in some gaps and finish editing! Hooray! **

**Hope you enjoy it! **


	14. Huerta

**I own nothing. Nothing. **

* * *

**14. Huerta**

The hospital is quiet_. _

Arianna supposes this is normal, but it's still slightly unsettling after the overcrowded citadel docks. Refugees have been pouring in steadily since the last time she's been here and it's now almost impossible to navigate without careening wildly into someone. The hospital is an island in the storm; it's oddly comforting.

She doesn't really know why she's here; she's avoided the place like the plague since they'd first brought him in. She's visited Thane a few times but never ventured past those ominous doors at the other side of the lounge. She sighs as it occurs to her that it's easier to talk to Kaidan when he's unconscious. He's sent her a few emails now though, and now it's becoming trickier to avoid him.

_There's a horrific crushing noise as the mechanoid curls a deceptively strong hand around his helmet. Arianna stares, her mouth open in shock as the robot picks him up as though he weighs nothing more than a feather, and hurls him repeatedly into the wreckage of the shuttle. He crumples to the floor like a ragdoll. _

Arianna swallows dryly, rearranging her fingers around the handle of the freezer box she's carrying. She's never been quite so scared in her entire life, and it's a life containing _plenty_ to be scared of. She supposes it's a different sort of fright, the fear _for someone_ rather than _of something_. She's much more used to the latter.

_She's staring at him, brain numb. She's never seen him like this before. His face is deathly pale where it's not bruising and his eyes are firmly shut. He's barely breathing. _

_ "Kaidan?" _

_ Fingers hesitate over his hand then close around it, gripping it tightly. _

_ "I don't know if you can hear me but," she smiles a little, "since you can't tell me to get the hell out either, I'll take my chances." She takes a deep breathe, "You've got to fight, Kaidan, we need you in this." _

And then he'd woken up.

Dr Michel had sent her a message saying he could take some visitors about a month ago now but she'd never turned up. She told herself she was too busy. Hackett had her jumping all over the galaxy, searching for assets and resources. Truth is, she's not sure what she's going to say. They've been skirting around each other for so long now, she has no idea how to even begin.

Well, she thinks, maybe his being made a Spectre is a good place to start.

She is proud of him, what he's accomplished since she's been gone. She always knew he was more capable than he let on; he's always been content to hang in the background and provide support.

_"Some people are born to command,"_ he'd told her one day, years ago, _"like you. I'm good at it, sure, but that doesn't mean I like it. Give me a choice and I'll take the underpaid slave monkey job any day." _

And then they'd made him a teacher. From what Anderson had told her, he'd excelled at it in leaps and bounds. His Spec-Ops team followed him without question and it seemed like overnight, Major Alenko had made a name for himself. A name that is respected throughout the Alliance and, it seems, the Citadel. And that's part of the problem, she realises. Not that she begrudges his success one bit; it's just that she hasn't been a part of it. She hasn't been able to share it with him. She doesn't know him.

She peers through the glass and sighs. He's standing at the window, arms folded, leaning against the frame in a position so familiar it almost hurts. She can't see his face, but she knows it's creased with thought, his brain ticking over options in its never-ending critique. It occurs to her that maybe she only needs to catch up, not relearn who this man is.

The doors hiss open and Kaidan jumps in surprise, jolted out of his reverie.

"Catch." Arianna says with a smile, tossing him something lightly.

The small pot of chocolate chip ice cream sails through the air and Kaidan, startled, automatically fires up his biotics to catch it. It's a finely honed reflex that does him absolutely no good this time around, the container bouncing off the window and then the floor a few times before rolling to a stop underneath his hospital bed.

There's a slightly embarrassed silence.

Kaidan screws up his face in frustration and sighs. Arianna stares at him, open-mouthed.

"What the hell was that?"

He's a little rankled to see the beginnings of laughter creeping into her green eyes. He bends to fish the pot out from under his bed.

"They took my implant offline." He explains, standing up and licking his fingers of the thankfully small amount of spilled ice cream.

Arianna makes a face at him, "Kaidan, that's gross."

"What? It's a hospital, the floor's clean."

He's undeniably pleased with himself as Arianna laughs lightly, her green eyes crinkling with amusement. "Sure."

She hands him a spoon and studies his face. "How are you feeling?" She asks, tearing off the lid of the container, "You definitely look better."

It's true; there's barely any sign of the horrific bruising around his face that had been there the last time she'd seen him.

He laughs his odd half-chuckle, "Yeah, like that's hard." He swings his legs up onto the bed so he's sitting cross-legged.

Arianna smiles and settles herself into the chair next him, her feet propped up on the edge of the hard mattress. She's silent as she absently digs around in the rapidly softening tub. Kaidan watches her, a small frown playing across his face. There's something stirring, hidden behind her eyes and there's a sort of anxious set to her features. He's never seen it in her before; not even when they were en route to is deep-seated, not at all the same nervous awkwardness they've been feeling around each other. No, this is different and it's intensely unsettling.

"So when are they letting you out?"

Kaidan snorts derisively, "You can't see it now but I'm tied here by medical red tape." He sighs, "My implant got," he pauses, looking for the right word, "rattled. So the Doc wants to run some more tests before I get the all clear."

He's beyond frustrated at being cooped up, she can tell. "Need me to break you out?"

He laughs, "I'll let you know."

There's a half awkward silence as they trail off. Arianna stares out of the window at the hovercars whizzing past. Their old apartment is not far from here, she remembers with a jolt of something she can't quite put her finger on.

"Thankyou for coming to visit Ari." Kaidan's voice is soft, a small, uncertain smile playing across his face.

She sighs and gives up all pretence at being able to eat anything, putting the tub back into the freezer box. "You nearly died Kaidan, on my watch." She picks at a loose thread on her trousers, trying to keep her face expressionless.

Kaidan watches as one hand travels inevitably towards her mouth and she chews her fingernails, her eyes betraying some of the emotion she's trying to push into a corner. He frowns, just how much has she been bottling away lately?

"Ari?"

She stands up, suddenly uncomfortable and fidgety. "I should go, Bailey wants me to…"

"Arianna."

Her fists are clenched shut, he notices, and she's stubbornly staring out of the window. He sighs, resigned to the fact that she's not going to talk to him; he lost that right the minute he doubted her and it's going to take more time to get it back.

"Thanks for coming to see me. It meant a lot." He says, finally.

She just nods, picks up the bag and then she's gone.

He huffs out a breath in frustration and not a small amount of worry. If she doesn't find someone to talk to soon, like they used to, she's going to implode.

The hospital is quiet.

* * *

**Emotional explosion in 3... **


	15. Traitor

**I own nothing - Bioware is King. **

* * *

**15. Traitor**

The dock is quiet.

Arianna runs a tired hand through her curls, sweeping them over one shoulder and braiding them idly, staring out over the myriad of ships coming and going. She is running through their standoff with Udina over and over in her head, trying to find something that would have saved him. As much as she had hated the slimy bastard, he hadn't deserved to die like that. And the look on Kaidan's face after he had taken the shot is more than a little worrying.

Thane is gone, she thinks, and Mordin, and she can't help but wonder if there was something she could have done. She sighs, her face low and her eyes dull. She's been pushing things like this down more and more often. She's managed to pinch some sleeping meds from the Med Bay when the doctor wasn't watching but the nightmares are still there, waiting for her on the other side. Arianna Shepard is slowly folding in on herself, crumpling under the pressure and haunted by her decisions.

Not long now, she thinks to herself. Not long until this is all over one way or another. She _must _stay focused, stay strong. But she is bone tired, running from system to system, searching for anything that can help them defeat a seemingly invincible enemy. The latest reports from Hackett indicate the Crucible is close to halfway completed. The more help she can send them, the faster this can be done.

But what if they fail?

She closes her eyes and once more, closes the lid on her thoughts, pushing them firmly into the corner of her mind. It's getting crowded in there, she thinks to herself before moving away from the railing and back to the Normandy where she can keep herself busy on the way to the latest mission Hackett has sent through.

The doors hiss open and she freezes, startled.

Kaidan turns towards the sound and holds her gaze, his face expressionless. He's leaning against a metal support, his arms folded and everything about him is achingly familiar. She fights with the boxes in that corner of her brain, clamping the covers on them tightly.

"Kaidan," she says, her voice more confident and nonchalant than she's feeling, "I wondered where you went. What's up?"

"_Shepard's blocking the exit. She's with Cerberus!" _

She blinks as she remembers Udina's voice and Kaidan's face flickering with uncertainty, the barrel of his shotgun lined up perfectly between her eyes.

"I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened." Kaidan says, his voice hushed and laced with confusion.

You and me both, she thinks.

"You sound angry." She notes.

He sighs and runs a hand through his hair like he does when he's uncomfortable, "Not angry," he clarifies, "just… _Arianna I had a _gun_ pointed at you. How messed up is that_?" He's switched to French in agitation.

_"Ok, talk to me." _She says, resigned; there is no avoiding this confrontation. _"Let's have it." _

He turns back to the window and leans both hands against the railing. He's fighting a war within himself, she realises, and it's probably been raging for a long time. She finds herself wondering, not for the first time, if he's had any personal dealings with Cerberus in the past. It would probably explain his intensely stubborn uncertainty. Or perhaps he's just being aggressively obstinate because he hasn't forgiven her for disappearing for two years.

"If I hadn't backed down first," He says, voice hushed, "I feel like you would have taken me out."

It's a possibility that she's pushed into yet another box in the corner. This sick feeling is becoming all too familiar. She takes a deep breath and lies.

"I trusted you, and I knew you'd come around. That's all that matters." She takes a step closer and lays a hesitant hand on his shoulder, turning him around to face her, "Main thing is we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel."

He frowns down at her, his face conflicted, "Yeah but sometimes the way a thing goes down _does _matter Ari. Later when you have to live with yourself, knowing that you acted with integrity, _then_ it matters."

There's something else on his mind right now, she thinks. He's not just talking about Udina, not only referring to his carrying out his orders when he didn't know any better. He's talking about Horizon, about the Collectors, about Mars. Arianna sees in that moment, the regret hidden behind his eyes.

"You acted with integrity Kaidan," She says quietly, "I saw the whole thing."

He seems to search her face for something for a long time, his brain working furiously over possibilities and meanings. "Alright." She doesn't believe him, but lets it pass. "Look Arianna, there's a… there's another reason I'm here." He looks suddenly nervous, one hand rubbing the back of his neck unconsciously, "Hackett offered me a position but," he pauses, "I'd turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again."

And a chance to fix things.

"Couldn't imagine meeting the Reapers without you." She says and finds herself realising the truth behind it.

He sighs in relief and smiles.

The dock is quiet.

* * *

**...2...**


	16. Breaking Point

**... 1.**

* * *

**16. Breaking Point**

The ship is quiet.

This time the quiet is the calm before the storm and it's like everyone can feel it coming like a freight train. Kaidan is in his customary location, alone in the frigid cargo bay, his face a mask of concentration. A biotic amp lies in pieces on the table in front of him and there's a screwdriver in his hand, a small tangle of unrecognizable machinery in the other. He taps the screwdriver thoughtfully against his chin, staring at the schematics on the holoscreen above the workbench.

"Kaidan?"

Liara appears so suddenly that blue flame surges down his arm as he jumps in surprise. He drops the piece of amp he's holding with a yelp and it sparks dramatically.

There is a moment of silence.

"Sorry."

"Geez Liara!" Kaidan says with wide eyes and a hand over his chest. "I thought I told you to stop doing that!"

"I said I was sorry."

"Every time! Where did you even come from?"

Liara tries to look contrite but fails spectacularly and Kaidan can't help but think she does it on purpose. He picks up the amp, turns it over and sighs at the frayed wires. He tosses it onto the table in disgust and runs a hand through his curly black hair.

"Did you need something Li?"

The Asari's smile evaporates. She turns so she's resting against the table, facing him, a worried frown creasing her flawless blue forehead in concern.

"I'm worried about Arianna."

Kaidan closes his eyes and sighs. He's been expecting this conversation since he re-joined the Normandy about a month earlier.

"I know."

"She's not the same Kaidan."

"You're just telling me things I know right now Liara."

It is true. The Commander has been there, sure; she just wasn't really _there_. Like she's holding herself back from something. Truth be told, they are all barely keeping things together. The looming threat of the Reapers is something that keeps him awake at night. But the commander seems to be faring the worst of all of them, her green eyes dimming and becoming distant when she thinks no one is watching. There's lines beginning to form at the corner of her eyes and she walks with stooped shoulders like she's literally carrying the weight of the world. Well, Kaidan supposes in a way she really is. The problem is, she's not _talking;_ she's keeping it locked away.

He's been through crap like this before with her and he's never seen her crumple like she is. Her wry sense of humour, her quick grin that lets him know she's about to try something hair-brained and suicidal, her light-speed speech, her astounding ability to recall every detail about her entire crew, her… But she's not Arianna at the moment. It's like she's somewhere buried under unbelievably difficult, no-win decisions and _pressure. _

Kaidan realizes Liara's looking up at him expectantly and he runs a hand across his tired eyes. "What do you want me to say Liara? She's… I don't know."

"She's trying to carry everything herself and it's killing her."

"Well what can we do? She's not letting us…"

Liara's eyes flash dangerously and she takes a step towards him. "Kaidan," her voice is low, "you need to do something. Now. Talk to her, hit her over the head, kiss her; I don't care. Ever since you all left Earth she's been walking around like a zombie. She's about to explode or, Goddess forbid, do something idiotic that's going to get a lot of people killed." She closes her eyes and rests a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I know it's hard for you two since Horizon but you've always been the only one who knows what to say. She's had to make one too many crap decisions, she's practically lost her entire planet not to mention more than a few friends, and the Reapers are after her; specifically her. She's about to explode. She's not talking to anyone, Kaidan. She's keeping it all locked up inside her." Liara's face softens and she lays a hand on his arm. "She needs you, even if she refuses to admit it."

Kaidan is silent, processing and is about to reply when the elevator doors hiss open and the temperature of the room seems to drop even further. Liara's head turns towards the sound and her eyes widen in alarm. Kaidan barely has time to blink before the Asari ducks and he is suddenly flying across the room, slamming dazedly into a row of boxes on the far side of the cargo bay.

"YOU!"

Commander Arianna Shepard is standing just outside the elevator, her body wreathed in green fire and her hair flying wildly around her face. Her eyes are glowing dangerously, dazzlingly, with a fury that is wholly and utterly directed at him. Kaidan struggles to his feet, his brain automatically firing off a barrier, the familiar tingle of his biotic field flaring to life. This expression is something he has never seen before and it is quite frankly terrifying.

"YOU!" She shouts again and Kaidan has to strain to deflect the biotic missiles she fires at him.

Perhaps it's the fact that she seems to be shooting to maim and/or kill, or maybe he's just feeling particularly reckless, but he shouts back, "WHAT?"

Under any other circumstance, Kaidan would have been extremely proud of the creative string of curses that reach his ears across the cargo bay; a mixture of French and English that could have curdled water. A new missile he's forced to deflect punctuates each shout and he grits his teeth against the strength of her field. She's always been miles more powerful than she thinks, a strangely detached part of his brain muses.

Liara, taking cover under a biotic shield, catches a few errant and important boxes with her mind, setting them down out of harms way. She settles in to watch and, Kaidan thinks wryly, make sure they don't kill each other.

"YOU!" her voice is shaking now, not just with rage, "you should have trusted me Kaidan!"

"What?!"

"HORIZON! THE COLLECTORS! CERBERUS! UDINA! TAKE YOUR PICK!" She screams at him.

A shockwave catches him off guard and sends him spinning towards the ground once more.

"_Where the HELL were you?!_"

He ducks for cover as a box explodes near his head.

"I DIED Kaidan! They brought me back! WHERE WERE YOU?"

He dives behind the Shuttle as missiles thunk into the wall behind him.

"_I HAD to use Cerberus. They were the ONLY ones who believed me!_"

The emphasis on "only ones" cuts through him like a knife, like the rest of her words. This is what he's been fearing since she came to see him in the hospital. This is what's been building since Cerberus woke her up. The truth of Liara's words hits home. Arianna lost _everyone_ she ever cared about on Mindoir and he's been the first person she's opened up to. Hers is a finely honed shield built up through years of bottling and projecting a certain persona. He was the first to see through it.

There's a loud thud above his head and a section of the shuttle topples over. He rolls to one side.

"_And THEN I go on a SUICIDE mission and you don't even OFFER to COME WITH ME?"_

That one was unfair, he thinks. He hadn't got her email until after she'd shot through the Omega 4 relay. As another section of shuttle crashes to the floor, he decides it's probably better not to remind her of that.

"KAIDAN ALEXANDER ALENKO! WHERE WERE YOU?!"

It strikes him suddenly, as she continues in her bilingual ranting, that she's only really half angry with him. Ok, perhaps more than half angry with him, but he's just acting as a vent for all of it. Everything. All of her guilt and grief, the weight of the pressure the entire Galaxy has placed on her tiny shoulders. He left her to deal with it alone.

This is it, he thinks, his mind racing to catch up. It's now or never. She needs him right here and right now. He's damned if he's going to let this opportunity to _fix _things pass him by because if he's completely honest, he needs her just as much; needs her to be relatively ok in the midst of this. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, feeling for the core of his field strength, pulling everything together, and fortifies his barrier.

The moment he steps, determination etched onto his face, from the safety of the shuttle, he is assaulted by her biotics. The strength of them is literally staggering and he finds he has to grit his teeth as he places one foot slowly in front of the other. She is just pelting missiles at him now, punctuated by screams of some mixture of animal emotion, raw and unimaginably painful. It cuts him to the bone to see how much she has been bottling away inside of her. Not letting anyone see how vulnerable she's becoming. So much is expected of this tiny woman.

Kaidan, fighting against the steady stream of words and power, sets his teeth against the clashing of their biotic fields, an oddly disconcerting feeling at the best of times. Today it feels as though he's swimming through butter, his hands painfully slow as they reach for her flailing wrists. His callused fingers close around her slender arms and he holds her in a vice like grip, pulling her towards him.

Liara watches, stunned as the green around her evaporates, winking out like a lightbulb, and the commander sags like a ragdoll into Kaidan's arms, her shoulders shaking with great, heartbreakingly wracking sobs. Everything she's been holding in for god-only-knows how long, pouring out at once. Kaidan slowly sinks to the floor, clearly exhausted, one knee bent and the other out-stretched, his back resting against some errant debris. He cradles Shepard's head to his chest and lets her cry, his cheek resting on the top of her head, eyes heavy with barely suppressed emotions.

The elevator softly hisses shut as Liara tactfully leaves the cargo bay and Kaidan closes his eyes, just holding her, afraid to do anything else.

"_Where were you?_" Her voice is muffled into his chest and scratchy from yelling.

"_Shhhhh, I know. I'm so sorry._" She takes a deep breath, about to say more but he cuts her off, pulling back to look at her directly. "Hey, don't you dare." His voice is more gravelly somehow and she shivers, "If you think for even one second that there's not a chance I don't regret what I said on Horizon or not being here for you or _everything_… _Don't you dare_."

There are no words left, so she doesn't say anything. She stares at him for a moment then, almost without thinking, leans in to press her lips against his. His hand automatically curls around the back of her head, fingers twisting through her hair and it's like he's never been gone, like she never died, like none of the life-shatteringly _weird_ and horrifying things ever happened. She rests one hand on his cheek, noting with some surprise that it feels damp and she realizes she hasn't been the only one bottling things up in a corner. All this time since Earth he's been putting on a brave face, a calm façade because he knows she needs him to be unmovable, unbreakable.

"_My Dad's MIA, Mom's all alone down there."_

"_It's frustrating to think that there are all those people out there that need us but we're stuck floating in space…" _

She's treated him horribly, tried to kill him not even five minutes ago, and all he's done is… She pulls away and rests her forehead against his, closing her eyes. Their breath mingles in the cold air of the cargo bay.

"_I'm sorry._" She whispers. "_For everything._"

"_I know._"

"_I love you._"

"_I love you too._"

She just looks at him and smiles before laying her head back against his chest, revelling in the feeling of his strong arms encircling her. Lips press gently against the top of her head and she is feeling less and less like the fearless, unbreakable commander and more like the person she truly is. Vulnerable, fragile and faced with unbearable decisions that should have driven her completely mad. Perhaps she didn't have to deal with it alone. Not this time.

The ship is quiet.


	17. Repairs

**Well that was fun :) **

**Seriously though - it's always struck me as _weird_ that Shepard manages to get through the whole thing in one piece... well mentally anyway... But I guess that's the beauty of video-game-land right? Characters can do things that real people would find impossible. I just thought that with _that_ much pressure, Shepard was bound to explode at some point. **

**As always, I own nothing. **

* * *

**17. Repairs.**

The ship is quiet.

EDI is on duty while the rest of the crew gets some much-needed sleep on their way to whatever awaits them with the migrant fleet.

All except two.

When the Commander finally tracks him down, he's in the last of his usual haunts on the ship. The starboard viewing lounge is dark, the lights having been dimmed, and he's stretched out on one of the couches, his long legs dangling over the end, head propped up on his arms, staring out the window. There's a small smile on his face and his chocolate-coloured eyes are half closed in thought. Shepard can almost hear his brain considering everything carefully and thoroughly. This is why they work so well as a team, she thinks. While she operates at light-speed, leaping into situations without a second thought, he steps back and thinks, _really_ thinks, before doing. It drives her completely crazy sometimes but his meticulous mapping of every option has definitely saved their butts more than once. He makes her question things, things she's accepted without a second thought.

She watches him stare out into the night sky, clearly absorbed in his thoughts as he hasn't given any sign he's heard her come in, and can't help but think how lucky she has been. This man doesn't push her into anything or hold her back when she's rushing headlong into another hair-brained scheme. He doesn't question her when they're in front of her crew unless he feels like he absolutely has to and even then it's in French so no one knows what he's saying. And he has every right to. No one on the ship would have anything to say if he wanted to take charge right then and there. He out-ranks them all and has earned their respect with his quiet manner, his wry sense of humour and his unthinking selflessness.

But damn could that man be stubborn.

Kaidan blinks and shifts his shoulders a little, rearranging his position on the couch to somewhere more comfortable, then stops as he spots her out of the corner of his eye. They stare at each other for a few seconds, then his face splits into a wide smile, somewhat tinged with uncertainty. She sighs inwardly thinking that her hopes that everything would go back to normal, before the Collectors, were a little optimistic.

"Hey." She says, returning the smile with the same amount of hesitation and shyness.

They stare at each other for a few seconds more, green on brown, before he seems to fold himself in half, levering upwards so he's sitting. He's made room on the couch.

"Want to join me?"

Shepard smiles and sits down beside him, their nearness practically filling the air with electricity and tension. This feels new; like they're teenagers who have just admitted they like each other, not a couple who have been married for nearly three years. Earlier, in the cargo bay, this had seemed so easy. Admittedly, she had tried to kill him, all of her pent up emotion directed towards this poor man whose only crime was being himself.

"This is weird." He notes, still staring out into the stars.

"Yep."

He lets out an almost explosive breath and throws a lop-sided grin at her, "Oh thank God that's not just me."

"Nope. Not just you."

There's a pause, "Nice though."

"Yeah."

They sit in silence for a few minutes, Shepard's hand is resting on the couch between them and she idly traces the pattern etched into the material. It's not that it's weird, she thinks to herself, it's just that they don't really know how to be together anymore.

"Kaidan…"

She smiles as he takes her hand away from the couch and squeezes it tightly, thumb circling her palm. "Yeah?"

"_I'm sorry._"

The circling stops and he turns towards her, confused. "For last night? _You already apologized for that_."

They're switching backwards and forwards between the two languages like they used to almost without thinking, she notices with a funny feeling in her stomach. "_No I'm sorry… you know… _for everything."

He's silent for a minute, staring down at their hands, his brow creased in thought. "It's been pretty rough lately hasn't it?"

Shepard laughs, short and almost bitterly. "You could say that."

"_I'm sorry too. And I think I may have a bit more to be sorry about._"

His face is sad and Arianna knows he's beating himself up internally. She instantly regrets even bringing it all up again.

"Hey," she says softly, a hand reaching to cup the side of his face, "I shouldn't have said anything. Don't worry about it." She grins, lightly tracing the dark bruise on his jaw, "_In any case, I did try to kill you earlier so I think we're even._"

He reaches up and takes her hand away with a small smile, "Yeah, ow. You really were going for it weren't you?"

"I don't really know what I was thinking."

He looks at her for another long stretch, and then frowns slightly, his eyes resting on her neck.

"What?" She asks, a bemused smile crossing her face, embarrassed at his scrutiny.

He reaches forward and touches the side of her neck and she shivers at the odd sensation of her necklace being pulled out of her shirt. And then he's staring, with an unreadable expression at the rings she has kept there, since Miranda gave them back to her over a year ago.

"Kaidan?"

"You still have them?" His voice is soft, low and stunned.

"Yeah."

"How? I mean you…?"

"Died?" She finishes the sentence and he winces unconsciously, thinking back to the Lazarus files. "Miranda found them for me."

Still staring at the rings in his palm, he reaches into the top left pocket of his Alliance shirt. Shepard has to smile as he produces his larger, thicker wedding band. Fighting the voice in her head screaming at her to shut up and enjoy the moment, she asks a question she's been puzzling over since she woke up in the Cerberus base.

"Kaidan… are we still… do you think we're still…?"

"Married?" He finishes with a small smile. "You know I've been wondering the same thing." His face creases into the familiar lines that tells her he's deep in thought. "I'm not sure if legally it's still legit considering…" he swallows and a shadow of old pain crosses his features, "you know. But in here?" he taps the side of his head. "Yeah."

"You nearly went out with someone else." She says pointedly, a smile on her face to let him know she's not accusing him of anything.

"True. But that was before I heard the rumours."

"Fair enough."

"Ari," He says, his expression more serious than she's ever seen it before, "I made a promise to you back on Paradiso, and I intend to keep it."

She studies his face for a moment, as if memorising it. "Me too."

And suddenly he's kissing her, his hand behind her head, buried in her hair in its achingly familiar way. This is not like last night, a small gesture filled with apology, and it's not like before Ilos either when everything was new and wonderfully unfamiliar. This is intense, fiery, passionate and contains all of their desire, need and love for each other that's spent the last three years hidden deep within them.

"_Commander?" _The pilot's impeccable timing strikes again.

She doesn't want him to stop but with a small cry pulls away, breathless.

"Ignore him." Kaidan whispers, his breath hot against her neck.

"Shhhhhh," she says, closing her eyes, "you're making it very hard to think."

"_Three years_ Arianna. Not trying to make it easy." He murmurs, continuing to trail kisses along her jaw.

She playfully bats him away, her hand slowly mock-slapping his unbruised cheek and he grins. "What is it Joker?"She asks into her comm.

"_There's a N7 wreck up ahead, no life signs, but might have something we can salvage." _

"Can it wait?"

"_EDI says she's picked something odd up on the scanners. You might want to take a look Ma'am." _

She sighs, closes her eyes and screws up her face and Kaidan laughs at the war she's fighting within herself, her curiosity clearly getting the better of her.

"Gah!" She exclaims before clicking her comm button in once more, "I'll be there in a second Joker." There's a small pause, then her eyes light up suddenly, greener than he's ever seen them before, her corkscrew curly hair flying in all directions.

She's back to her old self, before Ilos, before the Collectors, before everything.

"Right, here's the plan." She springs off the couch, "I'll go and deal with whatever's happening in the cockpit, who knows, there may be something in there that can shoot Reapers out of the sky from a million light years away; it could happen. You get up to my room, (remember the service vent? Brilliant.), and I'll meet you there in ten minutes. Plan?"

He high fives her out-stretched hand and grins, her rapid-fire enthusiasm catching, "Plan."

She kisses him on the cheek before running out of the room. He shakes his head to himself, chuckling at her retreating back then heads out, down to the cargo bay and towards the emergency vent.

* * *

Sometime later, Shepard stirs sleepily, and then freezes in momentary alarm at her apparent inability to move, before she remembers.

Oh boy does she remember.

She fights to keep the smile off her face for a second, and then gives in, flashes of the night before flickering across her mind. _"Well," _she thinks, _"that fixes things a bit." _

Kaidan's warm breath is tickling at her shoulder, his right arm curled loosely around her waist. He's lying almost on top of her with one leg wrapped around one of her own. The unconsciously protective gesture is not lost on her. This is how he is, she realizes, this is what he does. She's noted his caring nature before, but it goes deeper than that; he protects the people he loves, without thinking, without being asked. He's always just… there.

Well… mostly. But if she's honest, she's come to terms with his absence during their fight against the Collectors. In fact now that she thinks more carefully about it, she probably forgave him for that months ago. Their fighting had become a habit, she realises. They had forgotten how to relate to each other.

"Kaidan?" She murmurs softly, running her fingers lightly across the arm that's resting on her stomach.

"Mmmm?" Her body tingles pleasantly at the warmth of his breath against her neck.

"You awake?"

There's a pause as he lightly kisses the side of her jaw and she can feel his small smile. "Nope."

"Sure."

There's a low chuckle near her ear and she grins, laughing as he somehow manages to flip the two of them over. Strong arms wrap tightly around her waist, pinning her to his chest as he kisses her soundly.

"I thought you were asleep." She says, her voice muffled by his lips.

"I'm dreaming, clearly." He grins, "Keep up." He kisses her again before rolling them both onto one side, curling his body around hers, once more unconsciously protective.

There's a comfortable silence for a few minutes and Shepard is unsure if she drifts off to sleep. "I could get used to this." She murmurs contentedly, and for a second she can forget; forget where they are, what they're fighting against, what they've lost.

Instead of the Captain's cabin on board an Alliance Military starship, they're lying in the house back on Paradiso, snuggled under thick blankets with the fire crackling in the corner. She wonders idly if it's still there, just as they left it.

"Hmmm." Kaidan agrees, the sound muffled with sleep. "Although I have a face full of hair right now."

Arianna laughs, her body shaking with it. "Oh god I'm sorry," she gasps, spinning around and pushing it to one side, "I told you, it's idiotic."

Kaidan smiles, his eyes lidded and bleary as they always are after he's woken up. "I love it." He says, twirling a curl around one finger and watching it almost blankly as it springs away, "it's beautiful."

Arianna studies his face as his eyes close again; very likely he's drifting back to sleep. "You should move in here Kaidan."

She can feel him tense, his arm tightening his grip on her waist under the light covers, and his eyes fly open, startled.

"Seriously?" He's surprised.

"Seriously." She replies, firmly.

"But… the crew… what about…?"

She sighs, thinking that perhaps she's sprung this on him at a bad time, especially given his predisposition and need to think things through. The lack of caffeine is probably not helping much either.

"Sorry, I… shouldn't have said anything now. I just… This war could go either way right now. It could go _bad_. _Really_ bad and… I…"

"I know." He reaches up to brush a small flame-red curl out of her eyes.

"You're my husband Kaidan. We're right in the middle of this epic shit-storm and if this is the last few months we have then… you... you belong here."

He's silent for a while and Shepard can practically hear his brain ticking over, piecing scenarios together and plotting out possibilities. She bites her lip apprehensively. This is potentially too fast.

"Okay."

"Okay?" Her face splits into a huge grin, her green eyes sparkling and he grins back, pushing himself so he's sitting up, looking back over his shoulder at her.

"Yeah, I'll just go and get my things." He pauses, making a comical show of counting the various items of clothing that are strewn around the room, "Oh wait, I'm done."

In spite of the tragedy behind their utter lack of worldly possessions, Shepard laughs at the absurdity of the situation, pulling him back towards her. "Oh wow, I love you."

"I love you too." And then he's kissing her and once more she's forgetting.

The ship is quiet.

* * *

**Oh good grief - I do love the fluffiness.**


	18. Exposure

**So this is just a tiny bit of fun-ness I thought of as I was playing through this scene. Just for the record, I'm aware that this occurs _after_ the events of the next chapter but when I was trying to slot it in, I realised it didn't really make sense in my version. Time-wise, it seems to fit here. **

**Hooray! **

**I own nothing - I merely twist it to suit my own malicious purposes. **

* * *

**18. Exposure. **

The Ship is quiet.

"Got the flush." Kaidan announces smugly, laying his cards on the table.

"Mmmmm…." James muses before revealing his hand with a grin. "Full house. Caught it on the river."

Kaidan ducks his head and sighs, "Shit."

They've been playing poker for hours now and Kaidan has had to admit he's more than a little rusty. It also is not helping that he's playing with the most devious son of a bitch in the fleet.

"Thought you were bluffing on the flush," Vega smirks, "Good for you."

While he knows he has a reputation for being more than a little uptight and 'by the book', Kaidan doesn't necessarily like being reminded of his naturally conservative nature.

"Can it Lieutenant." He grumbles into his beer.

Vega laughs and mock salutes before jauntily sweeping most of Kaidan's chips across to his side of the table, "Yes sir, Major Alenko, sir!"

The door to the lounge hisses open and Kaidan brightens perceptibly. "Garrus! I'd deal you in but Vega here just cleaned me out."

The Lieutenant scoffs incredulously, "Is that really as deep as your pockets go?"

Kaidan shrugs, "For tonight you bet it is. You're ruthless Vega. I know when I'm beaten."

The scarred Turian pulls up a chair and leans back with his legs propped up against the table. "That good huh?"

"Good? Back on Earth I could have given the professionals a run for their money man."

Kaidan snorts into his drink in amusement. "Sure Vega, sure."

"Hey Shepard said to send you up to the bridge if I ran into you Kaidan." Garrus says, his oddly disembodied voice echoing around the room.

"Oh? Did she say what for?"

"No, it didn't seem urgent though."

James laughs from the other side of the table, "I can probably guess." He says, his voice dripping with suggestive images.

Kaidan carefully and deliberately sets his drink down on the table "Really."

Sensing the Major's dangerous mood swing, Garrus can almost see the Lieutenant backpedalling. "Uh no… I meant… I ah…" He turns to Garrus pleadingly.

The Turian holds up both scaled hands and grins, "Oh no Vega. You can dig yourself out of this one."

Kaidan's anger evaporates as he remembers that the crew shouldn't know he has something to be angry about yet, "Wait…"

"Yeah Kaidan, everyone knows." Garrus tells him, his alien grin widening further.

"Everyone?"

"Yep."

"They know that…?"

"Oh yeah."

"Me and…?"

"Are all married and such? Yep."

"Huh." Kaidan frowns then leans back in his chair, his brain furiously processing. "Well I suppose that makes some things a bit easier."

James laughs, slapping the table, "Hell yeah it does. Way to hit that Sir."

If looks could kill, the withering stare Kaidan shoots in the loud-mouthed Lieutenant's direction would have melted the skin off his bones. Vega coughs uncomfortably and is suddenly very interested in the label on his bottle of beer.

"Careful Vega." Kaidan's voice is dangerously quiet, "That's my wife you're talking about."

"Sorry sir."

"I think it may be time to call it a night, don't you?"

Garrus fights hard to hide a smile as the massive Lieutenant squirms uncomfortably. "Ah yeah… Goodnight." The doors hiss shut behind his hurriedly retreating back.

Almost as soon as he's gone, Kaidan's face splits into a wide grin and he and Garrus double over the table in laughter.

"Oh man," the Major says, getting himself under control eventually, "that was way too much fun."

Garrus wipes his eyes, still convulsing with mirth, "You've been waiting to say something like that for a while though, haven't you?"

Standing, Kaidan claps his friend on the shoulder before moving to the door and the bridge, "Oh you have no idea."

The ship is quiet.


	19. Observation

**Now _this_ was fun to write. First time I've ever really tried my hand at action sequences so I hope it makes sense. I feel like it flows okay. Besides, I've always wondered what's been going on up on the Normandy while Shepard's galavanting about elsewhere. This is pure speculation but then... isn't that the point? :) **

**I own nothing. **

* * *

**19. Observation**

The ship is quiet.

Tension cuts through the air like a knife. The crew is clustered around their various holoscreen stations, monitoring their aspect of the Commander's mission. There's an extra level of alertness hovering over the command deck, like it always is when she's not on board, when she's risking her life on the world below them.

"To your left Commander, scans are showing some kind of movement." Kaidan's voice is soft against the silence of the deck.

He is standing above where the Galaxy Map usually appears when they are jumping from system to system. He leans forward against the rail, peering at the reconstruction of the geth base that EDI's scans have pieced together. Three tiny dots pick their way through to where he's directed, their labels floating alongside them; AS, GV and EDI.

It always rankles him somewhat, when the Commander leaves him behind. There is usually a good reason for it, sure, but he feels helpless, reduced to monitoring the mission from afar. It's not that he doesn't have complete and utter faith in her though, he thinks to himself, it's just that he's pulled her out of too many close calls to feel entirely comfortable with her being in the line of fire. Still, it's not like the rest of the Normandy is actually safe this time around.

The ship lurches and he feels the snap of his safety harness pull to the left on the railing. He braces himself, shifting his weight against the tipping of the deck. The war outside is raging and they are caught right in the middle, completely unseen. Joker has been forced to weave in an out of the clashing of the Geth and Quarian fleets.

As situations go, it's not exactly ideal.

"I'm reading Geth activity ahead Commander." Kaidan tells her, frowning at the red dots appearing on the map. "Just through that door."

_"Any alternatives?" _

He scans the rest of the base quickly and sighs, "Negative. No other way to get to that console."

Legion's strange, disembodied voice cuts through the comm link, _"Shepard Commander, you need to reopen the blast doors to…" _

_ "Yeah, yeah, I know." _Her voice is resigned. _"Major, I'm going to need you on those battery-guns." _

"Yes Ma'am." He says, signalling to the comm specialist standing at her station next to him. "Traynor's taking over comm."

_"Roger that. Shepard out." _

He braces himself once more against the pitching of the ship, grabbing a hold of Sam's arm as she unclips her harness at exactly the wrong moment. "Well this is exciting isn't it?" She breathes, her eyes a little wide and crazed around the edges.

"You could say that." He replies with his characteristic odd half-laugh at the beginning of his sentence.

He unclips his harness and, with the practiced ease of years in the Navy, jogs up to the bridge, slipping into the co-pilot's seat and lowering the vid-feed visor over his eyes.

"In position Commander, waiting for your go."

_"Roger that." _

Joker is muttering to himself, his fingers flying over the consoles in front of him. It has never ceased to amaze Kaidan, just how effortlessly the pilot can make the Normandy dance, given the sheer amount of information he has streaming through the holoscreens at his station. Kaidan glances out of the side window and blanches, a Geth ship nothing more than a fiery ball of orange and white as it explodes. The Normandy's shields flash purple as bits of debris collide with the barriers.

"Bastards." Joker mutters, pitching the ship once more.

Kaidan is not entirely sure which fleet he's referring to.

_"How are we doing Joker?" _The Commander's voice cuts into the bridge and Kaidan is sure he can hear the steady clip of her beloved Paladin in the background.

"On course Ma'am. Ready when you are."

"The laser guidance system is ready, Commander." EDI's voice is strange on the bridge when her body platform is not actually present, Kaidan realizes with a start. "You will need to target the base. I recommend retreating to a safe distance."

_"Roger that EDI." _

Kaidan's fingers nimbly punch out a sequence, keying in the automatic artillery to sync up with the laser targeting system in the Commander's hands.

"Here we go." Joker says before switching to ship wide broadcast, "All hands, brace for descent."

Kaidan's stomach drops and he's suddenly glad he and Arianna had not had time to have the lunch they had been planning in their brief downtime left before this mission.

_"Base targeted." _

The screen in front of Kaidan's eyes switches to a vid feed from the Commander's visor and his fingers hover over the artillery controls. Two holographic, vertical lines close in on the base as the Normandy speeds closer. They meet, just as Joker pulls the ship out of it's dive and Kaidan fires the guns.

The explosion is a little more than anyone is expecting, and he watches, heart in his mouth, as the platform the Commander has been standing on, crumbles, throwing her to the ground roughly.

_"Commander!" _Garrus Vakarian's voice crackles through the comm.

_"I'm ok!" _She calls back, Kaidan watches from her perspective as the world tilts with her movement into a sitting position.

And then a horrible, gut-wrenchingly familiar noise slices the air in two.

"No." Kaidan whispers, exchanging a brief, horrified look with the Pilot.

"Shit." Joker exclaims, turning the ship back around to get a visual confirmation.

_"REAPER!" _The Commander's voice screams through the comm and Kaidan winces against the decibels ripping through his eardrums. _"TO THE TRANSPORT! GO! GO! GO!"_

"Shit, shit, shit!" Joker shouts, "EDI! I NEED THOSE BOOSTERS! NOW!"

"Boosters online." EDI's voice intones throughout the bridge.

_"KEELAH! It's huge!" _Tali's oddly distorted voice chirps over the comm as Kaidan's fingers fly over the scanner data, desperately looking for a path out for the tiny transport. _"How are we meant to fight that thing?" _

_"I was hoping your fleet would lend a hand." _Shepard shouts over the Reaper's groaning and creaking.

"Legion!" Kaidan shouts down the intercom, "I've mapped a way out, updating your navigation system."

_"Shepard to Fleet! This is not a Reaper geth. This is a live Reaper! I need a coordinated strike!" _There's the steady thrum of the transport's cannon in the background and Kaidan can't help but think she's poking a bear with a stick. _"KAIDAN!" _She screams at him down the line, momentarily dropping their usual military formality in her shock. _"Get those mods working on the artillery! I need you to send the coordinates to the fleet!" _

"Got it!"

Adrenaline is coursing through him freely now, enhanced by his military-grade genetic upgrades. He can practically feel his biotic field flickering with barely suppressed energy. He grits his teeth, shoves the console backwards and is running, careening wildly into the walls of the ship as Joker dodges God-only-knows what.

_"All hands, brace for impact. That thing is taking pot shots at us!" _The pilot shouts into the comm.

"Safety harnesses!" Kaidan barks at the crew as he sprints by, "Now!"

He makes it to the elevator and smashes his hand onto the buttons just as Joker heaves the ship to starboard. Forced to cling to the ropes and guide wires that have lowered out of the ceiling for the crew, he pulls himself hand over hand towards the now-open doors, keying in the crew deck floor as the ship levels out.

_"Shepard to the Fleet! Do you read me?" _

"Commander! I'll talk to them. Just concentrate on getting your asses out of there!"

_"Roger that Major." _

Kaidan doesn't miss a beat, keying in the comm link around his ear. The elevator doors hiss open and he's running again, towards the gun batteries.

"This is Major Alenko calling the Quarian Fleet."

The ship heaves over to the port side and he's sent careening into the mess table, it's corner catching him painfully in the side. He curses and calls the fleet once more.

_ "This is Admiral Raan, what the HELL is going on Major?"_

The door to the gun batteries slides open and he moves swiftly to the console, years of tech training kicking in as his fingers slide nimbly over the keys.

"We've got a Reaper on the surface Admiral."

_"Keelah! Tali?" _

"She's fine. I'm keying through the coordinates for Shepard's laser. We need all of the fleet's artillery pointing at that thing right now Admiral!"

_"Roger that." _There's a pause as the Admiral presumably relays orders, _"I hope you know what you're doing Major Alenko." _

"Me too. Alenko out." He frowns at the console, blinking sweat out of his eyes and finally punches the last key in triumph. "Mods are up Commander and the fleet's standing by. You're good to go."

_"FIRE AT WILL!" _

Kaidan covers his ears as the Normandy's giant guns fire in a deafening staccato. Over the noise he can just barely hear the unmistakable sound of an ear-splitting explosion.

_"What did we hit?" _One of the Admirals of the fleet asks.

_"The firing chamber."_ Shepard answers;Kaidan realizes he's been holding his breath and lets it out, almost sheepishly. _"Looks like a weak point when it's priming." _

_"Damnit!" _The Admiral continues, _"The jamming towers have us firing manually, we can't make a precision shot!" _

_"We may escape before it recovers." _Legion notes, and Kaidan is suddenly sorry he hasn't taken the time to get to know this clearly very intelligent Geth.

_"No. Pull over!" _

However he has underestimated his apparently suicidal wife.

"What are you doing Ari?" He mutters, making sure his comm link is muted.

_"If we run away the Geth stay under Reaper control and the Quarians are dead. This ends now." _

Kaidan closes his eyes and sighs knowing full well just how right she is. He wonders why it always seems to be up to them to save everyone. Why they always manage to get themselves into these sort of ridiculous situations. Why he's not punching through the comm shouting at her to get the _hell_ back to the Normandy.

_"EDI, patch the Quarians to the Normandy's weapons system. I want the targeting laser synced up to the whole damn fleet." _

"Already taken care of Commander. Ready when you are." He says, shaking his head to clear it.

There's a brief moment of silence on the other side of Kaidan's comm link and he can almost hear her blink in surprise.

_"I knew I kept you around for something." _She says, her voice dripping with wry amusement.

"Glad I could help Commander."

_"Major, we could use you on the bridge." _Joker says.

Checking the console is active and locked onto the Commander's targeting laser, Kaidan spins on his heel and starts jogging back to the elevator.

_"Shepard Commander. Do you require assistance?" _

_ "Just stay down Legion, I'll take it from here." _

He stumbles at that, and finds himself crashing into the same goddamned table he managed to drive halfway through his kidney on his first trip across the tilting crew deck. By herself? Is she crazy?

Kaidan has never been so tempted in his entire life to snap into full on, unsupportive "get-your-ass-back-onto-the-Normandy-where-I-know-you're-safe" mode. He's planted firmly on the ground of the Crew deck, grinding his teeth together, fighting an internal battle between the Alliance soldier whose only role is to support his commanding officer no matter what the situation and the husband, driven almost completely insane, knowing the woman he loves is down there, alone, facing down a giant mechanical monster.

_"Major!" _

With an almost inhuman force of sheer willpower, Kaidan wrenches himself away from the mess with a cry of frustration. If she was stupid enough to face down a Reaper alone, he was damn sure going to make sure he'd do whatever he could to get her back onto the ship in one piece.

_"Shepard Commander." _Legion's voice sounds almost hushed and reverent to Kaidan's ringing ears. _"Good luck." _

The elevator doors hiss open and Kaidan launches himself out of them, shouts that the Reaper is powering back up chattering into his comm link. He sprints past the crew members currently strapped firmly into their stations and flings himself into the co-pilot's chair when he reaches the bridge. He and Joker exchange a quick look, both of their faces covered with something like fear, something like anger, before turning back to their consoles, expressions set in determination.

_"Shepard to fleet. I'll paint the weak spot, link up with the Normandy and be ready to fire." _

_ "Quarian fleet is standing by Major Alenko." _An Admiral tells him.

"On my mark." He says, his fingers hovering above the targeting laser and main artillery guns on his console.

The next few minutes pass in a blur. When Kaidan thinks back to this day, he can remember the Normandy pitching wildly like Old Earth sea vessels in a storm. He can remember shouting out orders to the Fleet as the high-pitched whine of the targeting laser reaches a crescendo in his comm. He can remember sweat pouring off his forehead as he watches the incomprehensively tiny dot labeled "AS" dodging backwards and forwards between those horrible, burning, incinerating lines of red electrical fire that emanate from the Reaper. He can remember feeling numb and at the same time so completely alive, his heart in his mouth, every fibre of his being willing her to run…

And then it's over.

And he's fidgeting in his chair, fingers flashing over vid replays, scanning the surface, logging the Reaper's vocal signature, all just for something to do. Instead of feeling helpless and useless, just like he always does when the Commander leaves him behind.

He can't help but feel intensely proud of her, grinning when Joker 'whoops' loudly at the inhuman feat of negotiation she pulls off. "Two whole armies in one afternoon! And we took down a Reaper!" the pilot crows.

The crew is cheering, Kaidan notices dimly, almost overwhelmed by the relief coursing through every bone in his body. "Yeah, we did that." He murmurs, a small, wondrous smile across his face as he stares into the vid console at the small group on the surface.

He needs time to think.

* * *

That night, the doors to the CO's cabin hiss open and Arianna stumbles through, exhaustion plainly etched around her face. She smiles to herself, indescribably pleased with the day, a feeling of fearlessness and invincibility course through her to her bones. She feels like she can take on the universe. She took down a _Reaper_ for god's sake. She rolls her shoulders idly and moves to sit down at her terminal, checking for messages.

"Hey."

She jumps and spins around, her, chair rolling slightly at the movement. She steadies herself with one arm on the table and grins.

"Hey." Her smile widens, "We just took down a Reaper."

Kaidan's staring at her strangely, his body outlined by the blue light of the fish tank. She blinks at him, more than a little disappointed at his lack of response.

"Yeah, we did." He says almost tonelessly.

His shoulders sag and he moves closer, leaning against the door to the bathroom, near the empty shelves, his arms folded across his chest in the characteristic manner he has that lets her know he's thinking deeply about something.

"Ari, on board the Normandy, I'm two people."

She laughs lightly, "If this is your way of telling me you're in need of some psychological profiling, Dr Chakwas is in the Med Bay."

He runs a hand through his hair and sighs in frustration. "No, will you just listen to me?"

She frowns, "Kaidan what's wrong?"

"I need to say something, and I need you to know that right here, right now, I am in no way your XO." He shakes his head, deadly serious, "Not even a little bit."

Arianna stands, her face having lost all of its triumphant glow. "Okay." She says apprehensively.

And suddenly he's moved, so fast she doesn't even see it, he's holding her shoulders in a vice-like grip. "What the HELL were you thinking?" His eyes are wide and glistening with something like fear and anger all barely held in check. "Taking on a _Reaper_ by yourself? Do you have a DEATH WISH?"

He's shaking now, she notices, waves of biotic energy rippling along his body. "I didn't have time Kaidan, there's wasn't any other choice."

"Are you KIDDING me? Legion gave you the out!"

"What? I was supposed to run? Give them the satisfaction of our defeat? Let them tear through the Quarians? Leave us fighting the Geth?"

"NO! I…" He bends his head, breathing hard, his fingers still clenched around her shoulders. He looks up at her again and his eyes are glowing blue with biotics, their intensity shocking her into breathlessness. "I have never been more angry at you. _Ever._ I have _never_ been so fearful for you in my _entire_ life and you've _died_ before." He stares at her, his eyes burning into hers and the tone of his voice shocks her into stillness and silence. "I just need you to understand that."

He closes his eyes suddenly, snaps them shut, and the spell is broken. With a small cry, she closes the distance between them, hugging him to her fiercely. She doesn't apologise, somehow she knows she doesn't have to. She has done nothing he would not have done had their positions been reversed. She is overwhelmed with shame and guilt at knowing in the last few hours she's been on board the Normandy she hasn't even considered what effect her actions would have had on him. She has been riding high on the glory of her latest victory. She's not used to being answerable to another person again, not used to having to think about someone else.

"I…" Kaidan starts, his voice muffled into her shoulder, his arms tightening around her waist, "I know you can't promise me you'll be safe, hell, I can't guarantee the same thing of myself but…"

"I know."

She doesn't know how long they stand there, wrapped in each other's arms, clinging to one another, but after a while Kaidan pulls back, a sudden grin crossing his features.

He laughs incredulously, "Ari, we just took down a _Reaper_."

"Hell yeah." His grin is infectious.

"A _Reaper!" _

"We did that." She's laughing.

He scoops her up, spinning her around and kissing her soundly.

The ship is quiet.


End file.
